Of this you can be sure.
No matter where you work, no matter how many decades of experience you have under your belt, no matter how much positional authority you possess, they will show up. The colleagues who trigger the heck out of you.
Annoy you. Provoke you. Enrage you. Keep you up at night.
Well, wait a minute. That is our impulse response.
They WILL keep showing up. We, however, can learn to respond differently.
A conversation I had last week made me think of this. Jennifer was thrilled to join the Executive Team of a red-hot biotech firm 6 months ago. She stepped into a brand-new VP role that had not existed before. The role was created to help the Executive Team get ready for the launch of a highly promising asset 2 years from now.
Great, right? Everyone on the Executive Team had interviewed Jennifer. Everyone had lobbied for her hire. And yet Jim, the Head of Research & Development, engages in continuous public verbal battles with Jennifer. Belittles her. Lobbies caustic comments Jennifer’s way. Or simply ignores her altogether.
When Jim feels bad about his behavior, he calls Jennifer after a team meeting. Apologizes for his behavior. And then continues to behave in the very same vein.
What’s at play here? Personality differences? Organizational politics? Turf wars?
Let’s keep it simple. There are difficult people. Different types of folks are difficult for different sets of people. There are archetypes in the etymology of difficult people. They exist in most every workplace. Their behavior is tolerated for reasons I usually don’t understand. Often having to do with the perceived irreplaceability of a particular individual.
Your job? Notice the TYPE. Don’t take their behavior personally. They’re a type. They can’t help themselves. Notice the type - and have a plan.
Here are the 4 types that most trigger me. As in Jennifer and Jim’s case, they tend to be turf protectors. They are animated by fear.
Let’s look at how they operate – and how to best respond without becoming overly triggered.
They are wont to erupt unexpectedly in fits of rage and become unglued. This usually comes with verbal assaults on colleagues and team-mates, often while lacking necessary information and without having made efforts to try and understand other perspectives.
What is going on? The Bull is highly stressed, overwhelmed, and afraid of failure.
What can you do?
They seem to always wish to surpass you and try to turn every professional situation into a game of one-upmanship. They seek to have the last word in a brainstorm, attempt to upstage in social settings, and at their worst, try to publicly denigrate the value of your contributions.
What is going on? The Competitor feels, deep down, not as skilled as others, as valued, or as well-prepared. S/he fears becoming irrelevant.
What can you do?
They says nice things to your face, offer compliments and butter you up. You have the impression that they are a trusted friend – until you hear that they been speaking ill of you behind your back and complained about you to “the big bosses.”
What is going on? The Backstabber resents the attention you’re receiving from folks of influence in the organization. They worry that they will eventually be left in the dust.
What can you do?
They don’t share all the information they have with you. They are quiet and incommunicative in meetings – what we commonly label passive-aggressive. They makes you chase them in order to get anything done. Their passivity drains your energy and often wastes your time.
What is going on? The Withholder feels overlooked and unimportant in the big scheme. And dammit, they won’t put up with it. They will make sure you’re on your own unless you properly ask for their help.
What can you do?
I can get triggered by all 4 of these types. But if I have a fatal attraction, it’s the withholder. Fatal attractions are those folks whose behavior somehow has the power to trigger us faster, longer, more resoundingly. They hold this power because their behavior taps right into our deepest personal wounds.
Disagree with me all you want. Argue with me. Talk behind my back. It doesn’t bother me all that much. The withholder, however, has the power to set me off more than any other type. Why? Well, my dad was a withholder, and even with many years of therapy behind me, folks who withhold can still take me to my personal brink.
There’s only one way forward. Know your types. Recognize your fatal attractions. Have a plan.
When the fatal attractions show up – and they will – choose to not get annoyed. Execute your plan. Stay cool.
That’s where leadership liberation begins.