1. Always a 2-fer

When you ask someone a question, think Question/Answer/Follow-up Question. The second question confirms that you have heard, that you’re interested, and that you long to know more. It demonstrates curiosity. It’s the relationship builder.

The exception? When the first question creates clear discomfort or disinterest in your conversation, notice the discomfort and move on, unless it is time to have an intentionally disruptive conversation with this individual.

2. The low-risk probe

Asking for specifics as you probe is simple, surefire, and the least risky way of advancing and deepening any conversation.

Statement:  I had such a great time in New York over the week-end.
Question:  What did you enjoy most during your visit?

Sounds obvious, doesn’t it? But how often have you spoken with someone who immediately starts telling you how SHE always wanted to visit New York or how he had an amazing time on HIS last trip to the Big Apple. Probing opportunity wasted.

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." 

Naguib Mahfouz

3. The high-impact probe

Asking for the WHY drives a conversation to the other person’s deeper purpose and motivation. Your conversation drops to a more intimate, more vulnerable and ultimately more enriching level. It is simply inevitable.

Statement:  I just love spending time in New York.
Question:  Why do you think you enjoy being in New York so much?

4. The what-did-you-feel probe

Asking to name an emotion may seem a little therapy-ish to you. Overuse it, and folks may indeed tell you to stop “being my shrink.” But our emotions are the hidden level beyond thought where we commit to, or resist, any situation or experience. Naming an emotion will invariably invite powerful personal testimony.

Statement:  I had such a great time in New York.
Question:  So how did it actually feel to be running around in New York?

5. Know when to un-probe

I hang out with professional coaches. Many of them are masters at asking probing questions. Coaches have also been trained to keep themselves out of the conversation. While that may work in a coaching conversation, it NEVER works in a business conversation. Keep probing and probing, and you become one of those investigator-probing-machines, even when you do it with a smile. Stop it.

Want to deepen a relationship? Probe, probe, and then find a sincere AND substantive link to your own experiences.

It’s so very clear. If you want to succeed in your relationships – any relationships – asking a probing question is a non-negotiable skill. NOT probing isn’t an option.

Tis the holiday season. Chances are, you will engage with more people than usual. Don’t ask the probing questions like a prosecutor, ask them with grace. But ask. Ask them often.

And reap the rewards.

Appreciation, Voltaire wrote, is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.

Beautiful sentiment.

A no-brainer, right? Yet almost every individual I have coached over the last two decades doesn’t appreciate the contributions of others enough.

Well, let me clarify. They don’t EXPRESS their appreciation enough.

This lack of appreciation-expression is most startling when it comes to how we relate to an authority figure. All sorts of conditioning, explicit or subliminal, about how we behave around folks with power comes into play.

It’s not pretty.

Chances are, you have been taught about “managing UP.” The art of managing a perhaps mercurial, distracted, at times unavailable and often unpredictable boss. If you have worked in the corporate world long enough, you have likely taken a class on this essential leadership skill.

Hint: Know their priorities. Speak their language. Anticipate their needs. Be truthful and don’t BS them. Contract properly at the end of a meeting. Just a few of the essentials.

Chances are, as well, that no one in your class spoke about “appreciating UP.”

You do your best to express appreciation to the folks on your team. You may forget and you may not do it perfectly, but you know that it’s a good idea.

You do, however, little to explicitly appreciate your boss. It’s a potent influencing behavior, and yet, bosses rarely receive a word of praise or appreciation. From anyone. Yes, it’s lonely at the top, in more ways than one.

Here are some of the myths and beliefs that shape how we engage with an authority figure.

3 Boss Appreciation Myths

1. I don’t want to waste their time.

My boss’s time is precious. I want to be prepared, get to the point, and show that I respect how busy s/he is.

Fact: Your boss is a human being with feelings, no matter how efficient her or his outer demeanor may be. The longing for appreciation is universal. Expressing appreciation is never a waste of time. Do not conflate being efficient with not expressing an important thought or feeling – which includes appreciation.

 2. I don’t want to sound like I’m sucking UP.

I’ve watched other people suck up to Senior Leaders and it just looks and sounds so totally obvious. I don’t ever want to become one of THOSE people!

Fact: Even when it looks like sucking up to you, chances are your boss appreciates hearing it. Dump the phrase “sucking up” and supplement it with the phrase “expressing genuine appreciation.” That’s what we’re talking about, after all. If your appreciation is heartfelt, your expression of this appreciation is an act of honest communication. Withholding the comment is an act over unnecessary filtering. You are choosing to be less authentic by not communicating an appreciative thought.

3. My boss is uncomfortable with personal chit-chat.

I don’t want to cross any personal boundaries with my boss or get into a conversation that becomes too private and which I will later regret. My boss isn’t a touchy-feely person.

Fact: Praising someone’s idea, expertise, or accomplishment is as safe as a professional conversation gets. It’s entirely about work. Your story about not getting too personal is likely about your discomfort in offering a personal remark to someone with high position power, not about that person’s discomfort in receiving such a remark from you.

I’m a big fan of Krista Tippett, host of NPR’s consistently inspiring “On Being” radio program. I vividly remember a chat she had with another hero of mine, renowned British poet and organizational advisor David Whyte, about leadership wisdom (Tippett, On Being, 4/7/2016). “Being a leader,” Whyte affirmed to Krist Tippett, “means being visible, all the time. It means truly showing up and not simply going through the motions of showing up.”

Being visible, fully showing up, includes noticing our appreciative thoughts AND having the courage to express them. To anyone. It also suggests we appreciate UP, discomfort and all.

If someone who reports to you offers a compliment or thanks you for something well done, you appreciate it, don’t you? You remember the comment, right?

Act in kind. Express your appreciation, in every direction. That includes UP.

I don’t want to be one of those people who talk too much. Don’t want to repeat what someone else has said. Don’t want to upstage more senior members of the team.

I have heard it all. Reasons why we silence ourselves at an Executive Meeting.

Let’s get this straight: Someone has decided that you deserve a seat at the table at your company’s most senior decision-making body. You ARE a member of the team. And you choose to get coy?

Coy gets you nothing.

Your concerns about mis-stepping in this forum are, of course, valid. You’ve watched colleagues crash and burn when they carry on for too long, over-heat with emotion, and don’t feel the pulse of the room.

Too often/not enough.

Claiming our rightful voice in a circle of power brokers can often feel daunting and elusive.

A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms."

Zen Shin

He doesn’t always know when to speak up, says Sophie, the French CEO of a global micro-chip manufacturer, about her protégé Massimo as we chat last month. There is a right moment for making your point, and when you miss that moment, it may not come back. Massimo often misses the moment, and when he jumps in, he leads with his emotions, not with strategic clarity.

You may be surprised at just how often the too often/not enough dilemma shows up in my Executive Coaching conversations. Otherwise self-assured individuals crumble in the face of the murky power dynamics of an Executive Team. Most of these individuals err on the side of under-communicating. Their under-communication serves no one.

Consider the following guidelines as you assess what too often/not enough looks like for you in your executive interactions:

Don’t miss the moment.

As the team dives into a topic, as a discussion takes shape, as you feel the urge to state your point-of-view bubble up – notice. Notice the Gestalt of the conversation. Notice the direction of the conversation. Notice your desire to chime in. What are you waiting for?

Wait another 30 seconds or a minute, and a thought that felt right will suddenly seem like a tangent. A perspective that could have shaped the conversation becomes a distraction.

Catch the moment when your instincts nudge you to contribute. Trust those instincts. Jump. Deliver your perspective clearly and succinctly. Then cede conversational space to others.

Silence is not an option.

Occasional strategic silence in a meeting can be a brilliant move. You stay out of the fray. You implicitly allow others to run with the proverbial ball.

Be clear, however: Show up repeatedly in hour-long Executive Meetings without contributing, and you have rendered yourself irrelevant. Whatever your inner chatter tells you about staying silent – ditch it. Your role is not to be a demure quiet presence. Your role is to actively advance productive conversations.

In case of doubt, manage yourself differently. Set a concrete participation goal. I will speak up at least 3 times during this meeting. While this may seem like a somewhat arbitrary goal without context, guess what – you will suddenly find more moments when you can meaningfully contribute. You will have unsilenced yourself. Wonderful.

Be a great supporting player.

No need to always be the star of the show. You know – the one who advances great ideas, fresh thinking, status-quo-challenges. Don’t wish to be that person in a meeting? Cool. You will at times wield greater influence by stepping into the role of robust supporting player. A supporting player validates another person’s suggestion. Expounds on that suggestion with additional data or anecdotal information. Connects the dots between a suggestion and other suggestions in the discussion space.

The supporting player ends up being a bridge-builder. Decision-making-accelerator. This is powerful stuff. We don’t get to play this role by being silent or questioning if we “should support.” No - we just do it.

When a topic is done, shut up.

Each topic has its own life cycle. Intensity of conversation grows. Peaks. Interest fizzles. The group is ready to move on.

Sense the cycle of a topic. Sense the energy that exists in favor of a topic or against it. Don’t be that annoying person who doesn’t know when to quit. Hammers away at a point that has already been made once too often. Doesn’t understand that some things are not negotiable. When you don’t notice the life cycle, you have become the way-too-often person. And the person with way-too-little influence. Notice – and shut up.

Most importantly, understand the decision game in your orbit. Most decisions are NOT made in meetings. They have been made BEFORE the meeting. The meeting is merely a social dance we perform to publicly align around the inevitable. Misunderstand this, and you have abdicated much of your influence.

Want to be part of the pre-meeting decisions? Hold lobbying conversations with key stakeholders prior to a meeting. In these conversations, you will have way more time to advance your point-of-view than you ever get when the Executive Team meets. You will be more thoroughly heard. How cool is that!

Too often/not enough. Now/later/not at all.

That is the dance of the Executive Meeting, isn’t it? The split-second decisions we make, moment by moment, as a team congregates.

Trust your instincts. Don’t over-talk - and know that habitual silence is not an option.

Ever, ever, ever.

Of this you can be sure.

No matter where you work, no matter how many decades of experience you have under your belt, no matter how much positional authority you possess, they will show up. The colleagues who trigger the heck out of you.

Annoy you. Provoke you. Enrage you. Keep you up at night.

Well, wait a minute. That is our impulse response.

They WILL keep showing up. We, however, can learn to respond differently.

A conversation I had last week made me think of this. Jennifer was thrilled to join the Executive Team of a red-hot biotech firm 6 months ago. She stepped into a brand-new VP role that had not existed before. The role was created to help the Executive Team get ready for the launch of a highly promising asset 2 years from now.

Great, right? Everyone on the Executive Team had interviewed Jennifer. Everyone had lobbied for her hire. And yet Jim, the Head of Research & Development, engages in continuous public verbal battles with Jennifer. Belittles her. Lobbies caustic comments Jennifer’s way. Or simply ignores her altogether.

When Jim feels bad about his behavior, he calls Jennifer after a team meeting. Apologizes for his behavior. And then continues to behave in the very same vein.

What’s at play here? Personality differences? Organizational politics? Turf wars?

Let’s keep it simple. There are difficult people. Different types of folks are difficult for different sets of people. There are archetypes in the etymology of difficult people. They exist in most every workplace. Their behavior is tolerated for reasons I usually don’t understand. Often having to do with the perceived irreplaceability of a particular individual.

Your job? Notice the TYPE. Don’t take their behavior personally. They’re a type. They can’t help themselves. Notice the type - and have a plan.

Here are the 4 types that most trigger me. As in Jennifer and Jim’s case, they tend to be turf protectors. They are animated by fear.

Let’s look at how they operate – and how to best respond without becoming overly triggered.

1. The Raging Bull

They are wont to erupt unexpectedly in fits of rage and become unglued. This usually comes with verbal assaults on colleagues and team-mates, often while lacking necessary information and without having made efforts to try and understand other perspectives.

What is going on? The Bull is highly stressed, overwhelmed, and afraid of failure.

What can you do?

• Take care of yourself. Excuse yourself from the conversation and suggest Let’s discuss this later!
• If you stay in the conversation, interrupt after the Bull winds down. Keep saying their name in a calm and friendly voice. Continue until they hear you.
• Hold up the mirror. Describe to the Bull the behavior you just witnessed. Do so without judging the behavior or analyzing it. Ask “What can we do to avoid such outbursts in the future?”

2. The Competitor

They seem to always wish to surpass you and try to turn every professional situation into a game of one-upmanship. They seek to have the last word in a brainstorm, attempt to upstage in social settings, and at their worst, try to publicly denigrate the value of your contributions.

What is going on?  The Competitor feels, deep down, not as skilled as others, as valued, or as well-prepared. S/he fears becoming irrelevant.

What can you do?

• Give them the respect and attention they so desperately seek. Allow them to shine. By giving them a chance to feel important, you may lessen their urge to run you down.
• Continuously speak the language of synthesis and collaboration, and remind everyone why and how they accelerate both individual and collective success.
• If they take public credit for work YOU have done, interrupt immediately in a calm manner and delineate what you take credit for and what they may claim, in turn.

3. The Backstabber

They says nice things to your face, offer compliments and butter you up. You have the impression that they are a trusted friend – until you hear that they been speaking ill of you behind your back and complained about you to “the big bosses.”

What is going on?  The Backstabber resents the attention you’re receiving from folks of influence in the organization. They worry that they will eventually be left in the dust.

What can you do?

• Confront the backstabber. Don’t yell or argue. Simply tell them what you have heard. Let them know that you know. And that you need it to stop.
• If any of the information that you were given was wrong, apologize. Keep the conversation to indisputable evidence.
• Allow the other person an out, even if you feel they don’t deserve it. “I trust you didn’t mean to do that.” “I’m sure you weren’t aware of the impact that story might have on my reputation.” Trust that you have fired a warning shot. The Backstabber is likely to back off. 

4. The Withholder

They don’t share all the information they have with you. They are quiet and incommunicative in meetings – what we commonly label passive-aggressive. They makes you chase them in order to get anything done. Their passivity drains your energy and often wastes your time.

What is going on?  The Withholder feels overlooked and unimportant in the big scheme. And dammit, they won’t put up with it. They will make sure you’re on your own unless you properly ask for their help.

What can you do?

• Butter up the withholder. Let them know how highly valued they are. Generously offer warranted praise.
• Come in the side door. when the Withholder doesn’t volunteer information, test ideas and approaches with them to elicit YES or NO answers.
• Test a multitude of communication methods. Make them tell you what they prefer – email, phone call, text, planned or impromptu touchpoints. Ask them to commit to deadlines that work for them. All of these granular tidbits rope them into communicating with you on your terms. 

I can get triggered by all 4 of these types. But if I have a fatal attraction, it’s the withholder. Fatal attractions are those folks whose behavior somehow has the power to trigger us faster, longer, more resoundingly. They hold this power because their behavior taps right into our deepest personal wounds.

Disagree with me all you want. Argue with me. Talk behind my back. It doesn’t bother me all that much. The withholder, however, has the power to set me off more than any other type. Why? Well, my dad was a withholder, and even with many years of therapy behind me, folks who withhold can still take me to my personal brink.

There’s only one way forward. Know your types. Recognize your fatal attractions. Have a plan.

When the fatal attractions show up – and they will – choose to not get annoyed. Execute your plan. Stay cool.

That’s where leadership liberation begins.

How To Operationalize Being Helpful

1. Make HELPING Part of the Lingo

Talk about the notion of helping others to be successful. Make it explicit. Explain that help comes in many forms and moves in many different directions. Demonstrate that you are not a know-it-all boss or the smartest person in the room. Talk about how you receive help – from your own boss, from a coach or an advisory team. Show how asking for help and receiving help are not a sign of weakness.

Approach your team members for help when they may be able to do so. Live the famous Steve Jobs quote: It doesn’t make sense to hire smart people and then tell them what to do. We hire smart people so they can tell us what to do. These are all ways in which you create a culture of help where you helping your team is just that – HELP, not micromanagement.

2. Be in Relationship More Frequently

Think of venturing beyond the traditional “standing 1:1 meeting” with a member of your team. You run the danger of having a predictable if unexciting work cadence with this team member - and then you suddenly swoop in and hover in the midst of a perceived crisis. Anxiety levels rise, as do the possibilities for micromanagement.

Most of the executives I support opt for a different engagement style with their team members. More frequent short calls. Impromptu, unscheduled. Texting. Just to say hi. The chat can be about work or personal matters. 10 minutes or less. The intent is not to check up on your team member. No, you choose to stay in relationship. The relationship is informal and unforced. Needs for help and support have a forum to easily emerge. They have a place where they can come forth in a timely manner.

3. Do NOT Help Preemptively

You mean well. Your team is about to embark on a critical project, and you want them to be prepared for everything that might derail things. You gather for a meeting, and you “lay it all on them” in this meeting. Cover all potential scenarios. You let the team know what you have done in the past when “things went wrong." You shower your team members with tips and advice. You’re proud of how pro-active you are.

You think you’re helping. Please note: You’re helping when no help is needed yet. You have created alarm when no alarm has sounded yet. You’re micromanaging before any of this micromanagement is possibly warranted. Thinking of potential challenges can be helpful, of course. Let your team drive this conversation, not you. Otherwise, it is more likely a case of your Ego running amok. Stop.

4. Contract Your HELP with your Team Member

If you notice that in the midst of a project one or several team members are struggling, resist the urge to swoop in and take over. Consider a more collaborative approach. Tell your team members what you observe and brainstorm possible ways of addressing a challenge or bottleneck. Make it a “together” conversation.

If you have an idea for getting involved in a hands-on way, propose it. Be clear about the depth of the involvement you propose and the length of it. Test to see if the idea of your help resonates. Chances are, your team members will feel a bit of inner pressure to accept your help. Understood. When they do, however, you have established explicit boundaries for your help. You have consciously contracted. And you have not become the jerk-boss who took over because, well, you could.

The urge to help is primal, universal and timeless. It’s a wonderful urge. Honor it. But please get your Ego out of the way. Be clear that, at times, helping might mean allowing the other person to learn from making a mistake. At other times, it might require some in-the-moment coaching. Or sending a team member to a training class. Hovering is not help. Constant correction is not helping.

Go and help well. If you have any inclinations toward micromanaging, notice how much more enjoyable it is for you to lead without doing so. Notice what a relief it actually is. And how much more appreciated your leadership is.

Be relieved. And manage your urge.

It happened last week.

Javier and Natalia, Heads of separate business units in a biotech firm, are collaborating on a project. Javier has prepared the monthly Powerpoint update for the Executive Team. He’s partnering with an external vendor who has given the slide updates a sleek, polished look. Text has been reduced to minimal bullet points.

Javier is thrilled.

The day before the presentation, Natalia – who has been mired in non-project fire-fighting and had no time to hand in her slide content – submits the information she wants included in the deck. Natalia’s additions are unwieldy, wordy, way too detailed. They do not mesh with the presentation that was just created.

Javier is enraged.

And it’s not the first time Natalia has enraged him.

Conflict cannot survive without your participation." 

Dr. Wayne Dyer

We all have different inclinations about how to act in such a situation. The Thomas-Kilmann Inventory (TKI) is the best known analytical instrument that delineates most individuals’ preferred conflict-engagement styles. According to the TKI, there are 5 major human tendencies when we find ourselves in conflict with others. There is avoiding conflict altogether. Accommodating the other party. Competing. Compromising. And collaborating.

I have already tried to collaborate with Natalia, Javier may think to himself. She’s completely unavailable.

Rage. More rage.

I’m not here to tell Javier what to do. If you’re a competer, you’re likely to exacerbate a dilemma and not resolve it. If you’re prone to avoiding and accommodating, you’re likely to fuel that rage. And if you lean toward compromise (that thing Mom and Dad instilled in us as the always desirable outcome), you’re likely to feel deflated and unhappy, most of the time.

Let us consider another path, shall we! It is predicated on the belief that habitual avoidance never works. And it affirms that conversation is invariably a good thing. 

5 Tips to Lessen Our Conflict Avoidance

1. Don’t call it conflict

Labeling a conversation as “addressing a conflict” is loaded. So, unload your conversation. Semantics matter. Unload it from this label or equally charged synonyms. You’re not here to have a difficult conversation. A crucial conversation. A showdown. Overcome a challenge.

No. You’re simply meeting to share your perspective on a matter or situation. You are doing so to open the door to a conversation. You’re also interested in learning about the other person’s perspective. Bottom-line is, you’re simply having a conversation. That’s it.

2. Prepare for the conversation

If the situation you plan to discuss with your colleague makes you nervous, has caused you anxiety or invoked obsessive thinking, it may be helpful to write down in advance what you wish to say in this conversation. The act of writing tends to immediately calm us down. It helps us think of the simplest, cleanest, least verbose way of expressing what’s on our mind. We are literally gathering our thoughts. And we’re likely catching any language that might sound inflammatory in the conversation.

Important: Just because we wrote it down doesn’t mean we have to “cling to the script.” Trust that the right words will be uttered in the moment, informed by the preparatory writing you did.

3. Use an I-Statement

An I-Statement is the simplest, cleanest and most powerful way of saying something that feels hard to express. Here is the structure of an I-Statement:

• I - state what you are feeling
• when - describe the behavior that caused this feeling
• because - describe the impact of the behavior on you and/or your team.

Were Javier to use an I-Statement with Natalia, it might go something like this: I get very frustrated when you hand in your materials at the last minute because it causes us to totally change something that several of us have worked hard on and necessitates hours of additional work.

The key to a successful I-Statement is that we deliver it calmly. Voices are not raised. Because the statement focuses on OUR experience, it is hard for the other person to argue with an I-Statement. The beauty of the third leg of the statement is that it invites other persons to think of the impact their behavior has on us – something they likely had not contemplated up until that point.

4. Listen to their story

This is often the most difficult part in any conversation, especially when we feel slighted by someone, mistreated or misunderstood. We want to keep talking and talking and talking until we know that they GOT IT.

Stop. Shut up and listen and allow the other person to tell you about their challenges and frustrations. It’s really not that hard. Stop talking. Choose to be curious. Listen. You don’t need to agree or disagree with anything in this very moment. Don’t need to argue or rebut. Simply stop talking and listen.

5. Don’t force an outcome

You may be entering the conversation with a very clear notion of the 3 action items that would instantly solve a current dilemma. You know exactly what things you want the other person to do differently. You’re itching to say Look, here’s what I need from you. Got it?

You’re allowed to ask for those things. But why not simply allow a potential outcome to come from the other person? What might we do differently going forward? is a powerful question. It’s not What can YOU do differently? (potential attack). The we-version is collaborative. It invites a path forward; it doesn’t force it. And when the path comes from the other person, s/he is way more likely to commit to it.

The ultimate non-forcing? It has been drilled into us that a conversation needs to end with action outcomes. Perhaps what was needed, in this particular moment, was just the conversation. More time to think. Another follow-up conversation, perhaps. No forced outcomes. How liberating is that.

It’s not that hard. It really isn’t.

We’re merely having a conversation. Drop the narratives in your head that heighten the mental drama around this conversation: We’re resolving a conflict. We’re having a difficult conversation. This will be a showdown.

Drop ‘em.

We’re simply having a conversation. I’m here to share my perspective and listen. I will do so with a measure of skill and hopefully kindness.

That’s it. There may actually be no conflict. Go figure.

4 Ways To Disarm a Transactional Executive

Meet them where they are.

Don’t force the small talk. Don’t chatter about what you and your family did over the weekend. Don’t ask her or him what they love to watch on Netflix. Let go of your preferred way of connecting, just for the moment. Make peace with transactional, because transactional is just fine.

Reframe transactional, for yourself. Transactional need not be cold, formal, unpleasant, or difficult. Transactional is focused on completing a transaction. And completing a transaction, beyond the human connection lens, can be mighty satisfying. So, relax please.

Connect around the present moment.

Instead of bringing extraneous stories into a conversation, notice what’s happening in the present moment. If there’s a thunderstorm brewing outside of your window, mention that. If there is a vacation photo on your conversation partner’s desk, inquire about that. If there is a beautiful painting on the wall behind your colleague, acknowledge it. These are simple and safe ways to initiate a human moment that is not forced. And your prompts may invite the other person to share more.

Gina, a Corporate Comptroller, described one such moment to me. I was on a Zoom call with my international team. Some of them I have never met in person. Archie from the UK was wearing a sweater that had this goofy design on it. I was chuckling to myself, inside, as I noticed Archie’s sweater. I wasn’t sure if I should comment on the sweater or say something cute.

If Archie wears a goofy sweater, Archie wants you to notice the sweater. It’s almost rude to not acknowledge the sweater. The sweater is literally staring you in the face. It is present-moment-reality. And acknowledging the sweater may well prompt a fun story or two.

Connect around work history.

If you sense that a colleague does not wish to get into “personal stuff,” go deeper with the business content. When you are trying to solve a problem or need to make a decision, open the door to the past. How have you tackled this in the past? What was the biggest challenge you faced last time this happened? What did you learn in previous times that we should consider today?

Questions about past experience are safe. They explicitly acknowledge the other person’s experience and expertise. They will always expand a conversation and may elicit an unexpected story or insight. All wins.

Celebrate them.

Successful people rarely receive enough compliments. Here’s one thing I hear in my Executive Coaching practice all the time when we talk about paying a compliment. It always startles me. Well, I don’t want to sound like I’m sucking up to her.

Please be clear – this is your crap about giving and receiving compliments. Drop it. If you find yourself in a fast-moving transactional conversation and the other individual says something genuinely helpful or insightful, please acknowledge it. That was so helpful, Mitch. I never looked at it this way before, Mitch. Thank you for helping me look at this situation differently, Mitch. I appreciate how you analyze a difficult situation, Mitch.

Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. If you mean it, DO say it. Your comment may well open the door to a much richer conversation than you thought was possible.

Sometimes our light blows out, the theologian and philosopher Albert Schweitzer famously said, but is blown again into instant flame by the encounter with another person.

Think of the possibility of connection as one of those instant flames. Respect the other person’s conversational limits and personal boundaries. Do not force yourself on her and him. At the same time, remember that the simplest statement from you has the power to ignite the flame.

Stay in the moment. And light the match.