5 Verbal Cues That Enhance ANY Business Relationship

Yeah, we know.

Every aspect of work flows better when our business relationships work.

We know - and then we get busy. Transaction mode takes over. Execution fever. We forget.

Old-school wisdom is that if we desire stronger relationships, we need to spend more time with folks. Yup. Here, however, is the deal. We can be really really busy and still deepen our relationships. If you don’t have more time to spend, use language that accelerates connection.

“People with rich vocabularies,” success guru Tony Robbins suggests in his wise little book Giant Steps, “have a multihued palette of colors with which to paint their life’s experience.”

Multihued. Here’s the good news: The colors in your palette don’t need to be high-falutin’. A rich verbal palette works when used in person - and it works equally well on the phone, in a Zoom meeting, in writing. So, busy or not, cultivate your connecting palette.

Here are my top 5 verbal cues that I know will strengthen any business relationship you’re in – and all other relationships, as well!

5 Impeccable Verbal Cues

I was touched by …

Most of us, even if we’re a little gruff on the outside, have a keen desire to impact folks. The deepest impact occurs when we touch someone’s heart. This simple phrase indicates to the other person that they have, indeed, via an action or a gesture, had that sort of impact on us. Powerful. Get in the habit of being touched, please.

You really helped me …

It feels good to know that something we have done, no matter how small it may have seemed to us, has been of help to someone. It feels even better to hear this acknowledged. Whenever possible, let someone know that something they said or did, even if it was routine behavior for them, was helpful to you. “Help” is a fundamental relationship word.

I never looked at it this way before …

Especially in a conversation that may have had its rough patches, acknowledge that the other person had a positive impact on you. Made you think of new possibilities, had you question hidden assumptions, forced you to reach beyond easy answers. This phrase celebrates the positive aspects of a potentially uncomfortable conversation. I mean – someone had an impact on you; how powerful is that! Relationship instantly enhanced.

I don’t agree with …

You may wonder, hey, really - how is disagreeing with someone a relationship-builder? Folks who have strong relationships with others are not afraid to disagree. They don’t waste time dancing around a moment of disagreement. They state their disagreement “in neutral.” No raised voice, no elevated emotion, no drama. Just a fact.

The moment a disagreement is stated, the conversation can shift to new ideas and fresh solutions. Instead of offering me platitudes or making me guess what you really think – you actually let me know. Honestly, respectfully. How liberating is that.

I know we can come up with something better …

Even as we discard a present state that we believe isn’t working, we look to the future with unwavering optimism in our ability to deliver. The word “we” is a potent non-blame word. And the affirmation of my faith in the “we” is a sublime relationship-shaper. Add the verb “can” – and whoa, power magnified. Get in the habit of saying “we can!”

There are folks with whom it is tough to build relationships. Agreed. But even a tough nut tends to crack when they are approached with a relationship-enhancing cue. The most common objection I hear to the just-listed cues: This is simply not how I talk. That, of course, is the very point. Would you object in this manner when you learn a foreign language? No – you would learn the language.

Toss the objections. Expand the palette.

Cue Word: SHOE SWAP

Empathy.

A great word. Like passion, like integrity, like synergy – a word in danger of becoming an easily uttered cliché.

What does empathy-in-action actually look like? Do I “feel” more for my colleagues? Do I behave more kindly toward them?

When the actress Cate Blanchett was interviewed about her celebrated performance in Todd Haynes’ film “Carol,” she defined acting as an act of empathetic connection with a character. When you act, you temporarily walk in another character’s shoes. And Blanchett draws the sort of distinction actors love to make: You don’t have to be a killer to convincingly play a killer. No, acting is a momentary, highly-skilled Shoe Swap.

Empathy is about finding echoes of another person within yourself.”

Mohsin Hamid, British/Pakistani novelist

Watching the tv show “Undercover Boss” in re-runs is one of my guilty pleasures. In “Undercover Boss,” a CEO goes undercover for a week and, under the guise of being a trainee, performs some of the tasks that frontline employees in the business perform on a daily basis. A classic Shoe Swap. Invariably, the CEO is startled by the disconnect between the firm’s corporate strategy and the hardships faced in daily execution. As contrived as the set-up in the series often seems - by the end of the Shoe Swap experiment, most CEOs are reduced to tears.

A Shoe Swap is powerful.

In 1992, when I received my mediation training from lawyers at The Brooklyn Courts, shoe-swapping was one of the techniques we learned to help shift an adversarial relationship. Yes, powerful.

Next time you wish to behave more empathetically toward a colleague, don’t just think nice thoughts. Do a mental Shoe Swap. Here’s how it works.

You sit in a meeting. You have a strong reaction to an idea proposed by a colleague. You feel the heat rise in your chest. Your mind is itching to reject the asinine idea put forth. You’re planning a brilliant retort. Uhuh, your mind is ready to do battle.

Go to your internal cue word: Shoe Swap.

For the next 45 seconds, intentionally abandon your thoughts, your feelings, your reaction. For these 45 seconds, FULLY try to understand the reasoning, the rationale behind this colleague’s point of view. Contemplate the challenges your colleague may be facing. FULLY put yourself in your colleague’s shoes.

45 seconds. We can do that, right?

A Shoe Swap does not mean we agree with another person. It does not suggest we abandon our beliefs. You and I may not be reduced to tears like the CEOs in “Undercover Boss.” But if we engage in our 45-second Shoe Swap with sincere intent, there’s a superb chance we end up with a more complex understanding of the situation at hand.

Shoe Swap accomplished. Empathy in action.

You and I are responsible for our mental cueing.  A Shoe Swap does not magically happen by itself. Incorporate the phrase “Shoe Swap” into your mental programming. Triggered in a conversation? Think Shoe Swap. Execute in 45 seconds.

Powerful shifts will occur in your conversations. 45 seconds is all it takes.

What’s YOUR Inside Scoop?

I’m an unabashed Vivek Murthy fan.

Dr. Vivek Murthy, to be precise.

Murthy is a physician and vice admiral in the United States Public Health Service Commissioned Corps, and he has served as the 19th and 21st Surgeon General of the United States under Presidents Barack Obama, Donald Trump, and Joe Biden. All of this at his current age of 46.

In his NY Times bestselling book Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, published in 2022, Murthy describes a practice he calls “Inside Scoop.” He introduced it at his staff meetings when he was US Surgeon General the first time around.

Our staff grew so quickly and was so busy dealing with pressing public health issues, Murthy writes, that many of our team members didn’t have a chance to get to know one another. The team included a decorated Army nurse; a woman who had spent years providing dental care to incarcerated individuals; an accomplished pianist and preacher; an Olympic-level runner; and several team members who had struggled with addiction in their families. People generally got along well, but we didn’t fully recognize one another’s rich life experiences.

So what IS Inside Scoop? At each weekly staff meeting, one team member was asked to share something about themselves through pictures for 5 minutes. Presenting was an opportunity to share more of our lives, Vivek explains, and listening was an opportunity to recognize our colleagues in the way they wished to be seen.

Talk to someone about themselves and they’ll listen for hours.”

Dale Carnegie

Inside Scoop quickly became his team’s favorite time of the week. I am not surprised. The use of pictures fosters emotional connection. Murthy’s experience with Inside Scoop shows that, admit it or not, we yearn for emotional connection.

What are the tangible benefits of building better business relationships?

Everyone on Murthy’s team felt more valued after seeing their colleague’s genuine reactions to their stories. Team members who had traditionally been quiet during discussions began speaking up. They appeared less stressed at work. And most of them said they felt more connected to their colleagues and the mission they served. I’m not here to lobby for Inside Scoop. But I know that if you want to focus on building better business relationships like those sparked by Inside Scoop, go a little deeper. The following relationship practices help get us there.

Stop Grinding through the small talk.

I hate small talk but I know I have to do it. Sound familiar? Because that’s what they taught you in Corporate Communications class. They explained it to you in the Cultural Competence workshop where you learned that some cultures value non-business conversation and don’t respond well to purely transactional talk. So yes, you got the message. You force yourself to engage in a bit of small talk, but gosh you hate it. It feels like a waste of time.

You’re not alone. Chances are, the person you’re small-talking with hates it as much as you do. Two people engaged in a conversation both hate. That DOES sound horrible, doesn’t it? Let’s flip this, shall we! Stop your small-talking, immediately.

Show genuine interest in other people, instead. Not the surface stuff. That’s the lesson of Inside Scoop, after all. Inquire about the challenges the other person has faced, the lessons she has learned, the victories he has claimed. Chances are, these are the things that matter to your colleague. Not the last movie they saw on Netflix. No, the big stuff. Show interest in that.

And if that interest isn’t there, get some. Quickly. Sustained professional success without a genuine interest in others will not happen for you.

Un-battle your conversations.

We all have a little warrior inside of us. For some of us, this warrior burrows deep within. For others, the warrior hovers right near the surface, ready to pounce. We may deny that we have this warrior or like to tell ourselves that the warrior is tamed, but here’s what happens in many conversations: We tend to disagree with others, more frequently than we like. We find it hard to shut up. We like to prove that our perspective is better laid out than theirs. We like to show that we are right – and often, we are. And we certainly like to have the final word.

We’re smart. We were always told how smart we are. They also told us that no one really likes the smartest person in the room, and they warned us to not always wear our smarts on our sleeves. We have learned first-hand that being smart can be a curse. Especially when the smart warrior takes over. In spite of ourselves.

There is a beauty in being silent. In allowing others to talk and just chilling a bit. This is not always easy because we have lots of great ideas. Trust it, please. A little more chill gives a lot more space for a better business relationship.

Get to the underlying stuff.

Back in the days, before I became an Executive Coach, I taught Acting at some big acting schools in Manhattan. Actors learn very quickly that what makes a performance great is rarely how well we speak the words in our script but the subtext that we create. Subtext – that is the inner language of a character. His feelings, her motivations, the objectives or intentions toward the other characters. More compelling performances tend to have a more compelling subtext.

Every person in our business life has a subtext, as well. That subtext = our personal drivers and motivators. Our ambitions. The things that make us tick. Get us out of bed in the morning. All colored by our wounds, our moods, our disappointments, our joys. We may not always show or reveal this subtext. We may, in fact, hide it exceedingly well. When you, however, connect with this subtext within me, you and I have entered a more richly personal relationship. Notice those moments when I show you a glimpse of my subtext. I have just opened a little door for you. Enter.

Building better business relationships is that simple. We build better business relationships by relating to the person, not their role.

Stop the small talk. That’s pretty liberating, isn’t it!

Un-battle your conversations. Also liberating, wouldn’t you say?

Get to the underlying stuff. That’s where most people get truly interesting. Where relationships come to life. Where we truly connect. Why the heck not?

If you want to do one thing better in life, do better business relationships. They will get you everything else.

And let’s drop all the virtual/remote/not-in-a-physical-office excuses, please. Virtual relationships are here to stay. Inside Scoop works on Zoom. It all does.

Happy relationing.

Do You FEEL Into Things?

I received a note in my LinkedIn message box.

Nice to be connected to you. Would you be interested in receiving a copy of my new book xxxxxx, and you can feel into me being on your podcast?

The writer is a professor at Stanford University. She teaches conscious leadership, and I adore her very conscious use of the phrase feel into me being on your podcast.

Nice.

There is a certain grace about feeling into things. And, you may wonder, what exactly does “feeling into things” look like?

Last Thursday I had a planning meeting with 3 cherished colleagues. We’re supporting a leadership team at a biotech company that’s in the midst of some major firefighting. Folks are under-resourced. Overworked. Burned out.

This meeting wasn’t about more data collection. Crafting surveys. Planning focus groups. There wasn’t time. No, it was an occasion to feel into a situation. What sort of action would be helpful, what wouldn’t? Based on our collective wisdom. Years of experience. Finely honed instincts.

In a very real sense we have two minds, one that thinks and one that feels.”

Daniel Goleman

Does this sound a tad woo-woo? It’s not. We’re in emotional intelligence territory.

Daniel Goleman, Harvard professor and author of the classic “Emotional Intelligence,” has spent 25 years writing books and fostering research on the feeling part of being a leader. Goleman has found that emotional intelligence is comprised of 4 domains: Self Awareness, Self Management, Social Awareness, and Relationship Management.

Nestled within these domains are 12 core competencies. My Stanford professor’s message was nodding to one of these 12 – Emotional Self Awareness. As I read her book, would I feel excited enough about having a conversation with her?

My biotech planning meeting nodded to another – Organizational Awareness. What are the moods and social dynamics within the workforce right now? Which sort of intervention might support, which might hinder a greater sense of well-being and productivity?

Let me un-woo-woo the notion of feeling into things a little more. Here are some of the signals an emotionally intelligent leader considers.

Feeling Into Inner Signals

• Notice Your Emotions

Feelings can be marvelous when they “feel good.” Unsettling when they don’t. They offer valuable information about our relationship to the activities we’re engaged in. Feelings, as the saying famously goes, aren’t facts. They are, however, key indicators about our inner state of affairs.

When we are super-busy, we often do not have time to notice how we feel. We’re too busy getting things done. We may say to someone I don’t have strong feelings about what’s going on. Indeed, you may not. Or you may be so busy that you don’t notice how you feel. When we don’t notice how we feel, we cut ourselves off from a key source of inner intelligence. Our clarity and effectiveness are measurably diminished.

• Consider Your Emotions

Take fear, for example. We may consider our fear as a factor in whether we move forward with an action. We may decide that our fear necessitates a mindset shift around a specific action. A different tactic, perhaps. Or we may decide to be afraid and take the action, anyway.

We are robbed of any of this consideration when we are too busy to notice what we feel. You know the individual that says I’m just not a very emotional person? Chances are, this person is often making less fully informed decisions. Because emotional intelligence has not come into play.

Feeling Into External Signals

• Sense What is NOT Being Said

It’s the classic read the room suggestion. Or read the mood of your entire professional playground. You may be gung-ho about a new initiative or idea. Notice the signals of others as you talk about this idea. Notice their body language, their energy, their silence, the spirit in which they respond, or don’t. These are all key predictors on how well any of what you’re excited about may actually play out.

Feel into what is not being said. Consider it essential information. This implicit intelligence data may prompt you to probe more deeply. It may nudge you to approach your new initiative differently. Ignoring, or not noticing, what is not being said is never an option. It will cost you dearly.

• Make an Empathetic Decision

Explore beyond noticing external signals. Consider the WHY behind these signals. We consider the WHY not by conducting a detailed analysis of the signals we see but by, instead, putting ourselves into the shoes of others.

WHY do they feel the way they feel? How would I feel if I were in their shoes, facing the same circumstances they face? Empathy is our ability to feel into what others may be experiencing. Empathy has no opinion or judgment about the experience of others. It does not connote agreement or disagreement. When we have felt into the experience of others AND allow it to impact our decision-making, we will always make more holistically sound decisions. Such decisions yield better outcomes than decisions not informed by empathy

Here is another conversation I had last week. Victor, a Top-level HR executive, speaks to me about being in meetings with Martin, his company’s CEO.

Martin has a lot of emotional intelligence, Victor says to me. I admire that about him. We often go into a meeting with a strategy that we have agreed on. But more often than not, as we are in conversation with other people, Martin will actually change his mind and go in a slightly different direction.

A less savvy person might get frustrated with Martin changing course. Might see it as a sign of weakness. View it through an emotional intelligence lens, and Martin’s change of course is likely prompted by the very factors we have examined in this article:

Feeling into situations is a beautiful thing. It also generates better outcomes.

Always does.

How We Foster More TRUST

I have coached my share of “bad boys” and “bad girls.”

Top executives whose strategic endeavors and interpersonal behaviors have persistently pissed people off.

The outcome of such behaviors is always the same. The individuals whose support they need to be successful – their peers and the members of their teams – do not trust them.

The moment folks stop trusting us, we’re on the perilous road to not getting anything done. Or, at best, pushing an increasingly heavy boulder up that mountain. Because in the absence of trust, work gets so much harder.

I was thinking about trust – AGAIN – as I contemplated a 2020 study by the Workforce Institute at UKG, one of the world’s leading providers of HR, payroll and workforce management technologies. The Workforce Institute’s research explored how nearly 4,000 employees and business leaders in 11 countries feel about the state of trust in their workplaces.

The Workforce Institute’s report, “Trust In the Modern Workplace,” is tellingly subtitled Why is trust still hard to find at work?

Here’s the data that grabbed my attention: 63% of all employees and business leaders worldwide stated that trust must be earned. 72% of all C-Suite executives stated it was so.

I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on, I can’t believe you.”

Friedrich Nietzsche

This, then, is the implied trust paradigm: We hire a new employee because they are hopefully highly qualified. And yet, the majority of us are not sure that we are willing to trust that person. We demand they prove their trustworthiness to us.

This “prove to me I can trust you” mindset is all pervasive but varies by culture, according to the UKG study. It was true for 90% of the respondents from India, 68% from the USA, 50% from Germany, 37% from Mexico.

Is it just me, or does this trust paradigm seem totally backwards?

Here is the framework I find most helpful for understanding what we actually mean when we say I trust you, in a professional setting. Roger C. Mayer, Professor of Management, Innovation and Entrepreneurship at NC State University, calls it an integrative model of organizational trust. It integrates 3 strands:

I trust you implies that I believe you have the necessary skills to do your job well. I believe that you are a person of integrity whose values are in large measure aligned with mine. And I see you as someone who is benevolent – by that I mean you genuinely care about the success of all you work with and the business in its entirety; you’re not merely seeking to climb the organizational ladder and advance your own fortunes.

Do a gut check. This makes sense, right?

Let us assume competence, for a moment. Let’s assume that we honor our commitments. Beyond these 2 c’s, how do we consistently behave in ways that foster deeper trust and unambiguously signal that we can be trusted? Trust signals are transmitted in nanoseconds. This is the tricky part: The specific behaviors can be learned. They will, however, always inhibit trust the moment they come across as fake or rehearsed.

Fake it ‘til you feel it doesn’t work when we seek to build trust.

Here are 4 of those behavioral trust signals. I think of them as Everyday Trust Builders.

4 Everyday Trust Builders

You speak the truth.

Truth is a loaded word, I know. I simply mean this: You have your own bullshit meter. You keep your crap in check. The platitudes. The easy responses. Yeah, they often sound good. And folks can tell when you’re running on automatic pilot. When there are things you can’t divulge, you don’t pretend to be transparent. You acknowledge that there are things you can’t talk about. You stay real even when you have to be strategic. That is speaking your truth.

You shut up.

You invite conversation. In conversation, you let others talk. You listen to the words they say. To the deeper meaning behind the words. You don’t fake-agree. You don’t fake-listen. You give evidence that you have listened AND understood. If you don’t understand, you ask for clarification. You engage with sincere curiosity.

You appreciate.

You appreciate folks at every organizational level. The attendant in the parking garage. The receptionist. The new hire. The accountant who is retiring after 30 years of service. The Head of the Board. Your competitor. Your appreciation doesn’t hide in your thoughts, it is actively expressed. It is expressed not with clichés and platitudes. Your every word and action explicitly show that you have noticed, and that your appreciation is heartfelt.

You are FULLY present.

That means you show up on time. Show up mentally prepared. Show up with heart and mind intact. You don’t pretend to not have feelings. Yes, you show up undiminished, as the whole person that you truly are, beyond the confines of your job function.

We don’t just remember our Everyday Trust Builders on a good day. We remember them on a tiring day, on a frustrating day, on the occasional day from hell. Yes, every day.

The data gathered in the Workforce Institute study makes it clear that there are hidden organizational costs when there is distrust.

Most people long to perform well at work and do the right thing. A palpable lack of trust will invariably inhibit job performance. 64% of all employees said that a climate of trust fostered their sense of belonging. 58% affirmed that it affected their career choices. And 55% stated that it affects their mental health.

You may not be able to affect the trust culture of your entire organization. But you can most certainly choose to foster trust, nanosecond by nanosecond

Be that person. Do it consistently. Do it well.

The Art of NOT Micro-Managing.

Nobody likes a micromanaging boss.

If you have ever worked for a boss who line-edits your written communications for you, you know.

Eeeek.

If you are the leader of a business team, I feel for you. Taking a completely laissez-faire approach about the endeavors of your team members doesn’t serve them - and it will likely keep you anxious and wondering. You will quickly become the leader who isn’t actually leading.

What is a helpful rhythm for engaging with your team? Especially if some of your team members are less seasoned than you would like, and you perhaps don’t entirely trust their ability to tackle a complex challenge. How do you set them up for success without abandoning them?

I hire professional staff and then micromanage them until they walk out the door."

Anonymous

A 2021 article in Harvard Business Review - How to Help (Without Micromanaging) by Colin M. Fisher, Teresa M. Amabile and Julianna Pillemer (HBR January/February 2021) – got me thinking about this perennial dilemma. The authors hail from University College London’s School of Management, Harvard Business School and NYU’s Stern School of Business. They have spent the last 10 years studying how effective leaders offer help without micromanaging.

Their research suggests 3 specific strategies will help you to be a hands-on boss who doesn’t micromanage:

  • Time your help so it comes when people are READY for it.
  • Clarify that your role is to be a helper.
  • Align the rhythm of your involvement – its intensity and frequency – with people’s specific needs.

Reads nicely, right? In my experience as an Executive Coach, this is not as easy as it sounds. Helping well requires situational astuteness and finesse. And the ability to slip in and out of different ways of inhabiting your leadership role.

How To Operationalize Being Helpful

1. Make HELPING Part of the Lingo

Talk about the notion of helping others to be successful. Make it explicit. Explain that help comes in many forms and moves in many different directions. Demonstrate that you are not a know-it-all boss or the smartest person in the room. Talk about how you receive help – from your own boss, from a coach or an advisory team. Show how asking for help and receiving help are not a sign of weakness.

Approach your team members for help when they may be able to do so. Live the famous Steve Jobs quote: It doesn’t make sense to hire smart people and then tell them what to do. We hire smart people so they can tell us what to do. These are all ways in which you create a culture of help where you helping your team is just that – HELP, not micromanagement.

2. Be in Relationship More Frequently

Think of venturing beyond the traditional “standing 1:1 meeting” with a member of your team. You run the danger of having a predictable if unexciting work cadence with this team member - and then you suddenly swoop in and hover in the midst of a perceived crisis. Anxiety levels rise, as do the possibilities for micromanagement.

Most of the executives I support opt for a different engagement style with their team members. More frequent short calls. Impromptu, unscheduled. Texting. Just to say hi. The chat can be about work or personal matters. 10 minutes or less. The intent is not to check up on your team member. No, you choose to stay in relationship. The relationship is informal and unforced. Needs for help and support have a forum to easily emerge. They have a place where they can come forth in a timely manner.

3. Do NOT Help Preemptively

You mean well. Your team is about to embark on a critical project, and you want them to be prepared for everything that might derail things. You gather for a meeting, and you “lay it all on them” in this meeting. Cover all potential scenarios. You let the team know what you have done in the past when “things went wrong." You shower your team members with tips and advice. You’re proud of how pro-active you are.

You think you’re helping. Please note: You’re helping when no help is needed yet. You have created alarm when no alarm has sounded yet. You’re micromanaging before any of this micromanagement is possibly warranted. Thinking of potential challenges can be helpful, of course. Let your team drive this conversation, not you. Otherwise, it is more likely a case of your Ego running amok. Stop.

4. Contract Your HELP with your Team Member

If you notice that in the midst of a project one or several team members are struggling, resist the urge to swoop in and take over. Consider a more collaborative approach. Tell your team members what you observe and brainstorm possible ways of addressing a challenge or bottleneck. Make it a “together” conversation.

If you have an idea for getting involved in a hands-on way, propose it. Be clear about the depth of the involvement you propose and the length of it. Test to see if the idea of your help resonates. Chances are, your team members will feel a bit of inner pressure to accept your help. Understood. When they do, however, you have established explicit boundaries for your help. You have consciously contracted. And you have not become the jerk-boss who took over because, well, you could.

The urge to help is primal, universal, timeless. It’s a wonderful urge. Honor it. But please get your Ego out of the way. Be clear that, at times, helping might mean allowing the other person to learn from making a mistake. At other times, it might require some in-the-moment coaching. Or sending a team member to a training class. Hovering is not help. Constant correction is not helping.

Go and help well. If you have any inclinations toward micromanaging, notice how much more enjoyable it is for you to lead without doing so. Notice what a relief it actually is. And how much more appreciated your leadership is.

Be relieved. And manage your urge.

*Image by storyset on Freepik

WHY Don’t You Appreciate Them MORE?

Appreciation, Voltaire wrote, is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.

Beautiful sentiment.

A no-brainer, right? Yet almost every individual I have coached over the last two decades doesn’t appreciate the contributions of others enough.

Well, let me clarify. They don’t EXPRESS their appreciation enough.

This lack of appreciation-expression is most startling when it comes to how we relate to an authority figure. All sorts of conditioning, explicit or subliminal, about how we behave around folks with power comes into play.

It’s not pretty.

Chances are, you have been taught about “managing UP.” The art of managing a perhaps mercurial, distracted, at times unavailable and often unpredictable boss. If you have worked in the corporate world long enough, you have likely taken a class on this essential leadership skill.

Hint: Know their priorities. Speak their language. Anticipate their needs. Be truthful and don’t BS them. Contract properly at the end of a meeting. Just a few of the essentials.

Chances are, as well, that no one in your class spoke about “appreciating UP.”

You do your best to express appreciation to the folks on your team. You may forget and you may not do it perfectly, but you know that it’s a good idea.

You do, however, little to explicitly appreciate your boss. It’s a potent influencing behavior, and yet, bosses rarely receive a word of praise or appreciation. From anyone. Yes, it’s lonely at the top, in more ways than one.

Here are some of the myths and beliefs that shape how we engage with an authority figure.

3 Boss Appreciation Myths

1. I don’t want to waste their time.

My boss’s time is precious. I want to be prepared, get to the point, and show that I respect how busy s/he is.

Fact: Your boss is a human being with feelings, no matter how efficient her or his outer demeanor may be. The longing for appreciation is universal. Expressing appreciation is never a waste of time. Do not conflate being efficient with not expressing an important thought or feeling – which includes appreciation.

 2. I don’t want to sound like I’m sucking UP.

I’ve watched other people suck up to Senior Leaders and it just looks and sounds so totally obvious. I don’t ever want to become one of THOSE people!

Fact: Even when it looks like sucking up to you, chances are your boss appreciates hearing it. Dump the phrase “sucking up” and supplement it with the phrase “expressing genuine appreciation.” That’s what we’re talking about, after all. If your appreciation is heartfelt, your expression of this appreciation is an act of honest communication. Withholding the comment is an act over unnecessary filtering. You are choosing to be less authentic by not communicating an appreciative thought.

3. My boss is uncomfortable with personal chit-chat.

I don’t want to cross any personal boundaries with my boss or get into a conversation that becomes too private and which I will later regret. My boss isn’t a touchy-feely person.

Fact: Praising someone’s idea, expertise, or accomplishment is as safe as a professional conversation gets. It’s entirely about work. Your story about not getting too personal is likely about your discomfort in offering a personal remark to someone with high position power, not about that person’s discomfort in receiving such a remark from you.

I’m a big fan of Krista Tippett, host of NPR’s consistently inspiring “On Being” radio program. I vividly remember a chat she had with another hero of mine, renowned British poet and organizational advisor David Whyte, about leadership wisdom (Tippett, On Being, 4/7/2016). “Being a leader,” Whyte affirmed to Krist Tippett, “means being visible, all the time. It means truly showing up and not simply going through the motions of showing up.”

Being visible, fully showing up, includes noticing our appreciative thoughts AND having the courage to express them. To anyone. It also suggests we appreciate UP, discomfort and all.

If someone who reports to you offers a compliment or thanks you for something well done, you appreciate it, don’t you? You remember the comment, right?

Act in kind. Express your appreciation, in every direction. That includes UP.