Be IMPATIENT. Do It Well.

A friend from Miami is swinging through Lisbon. We grabbed a bite to eat in Principle Real and reflected on all things Miami. The topic of Art Basel came up.

Memories. A few years back, The New York Times aptly described Art Basel as follows: The Art Basel Circus Comes to Town (12/1/21).

The largest A-List art event in the world. There is lots and lots of art, yes. Then there are the parties. Leonardo DiCaprio and Sean Penn at a 175-person dinner benefit. Serena Williams and Marc Anthony at the same event. Alicia Keys leading a guided meditation before performing a 75-minute set in front of 600 art-world insiders in a warehouse. Ricky Martin roaming the halls of Miami Beach’s only gay bar, Twist, at a party thrown by a Spanish fashion house.

And that was just opening night.

For a former South Florida local like me, Art Basel week meant days of traffic gridlock. Inflated prices. A buzzy sense of chaos.

An exercise in navigating patience and impatience.

Common wisdom is that patience is a virtue, impatience an Ego run amok.

Impatience is the mark of independence, not of bondage.” 

poet Marianne Moore

Patience can be hard. Impatience is harder.

Not the self-righteous, I want it right-here-right-now impatience. That’s the easy kind, the one that may have gotten us what we wanted when we were a toddler.

No, I’m thinking of the sort of repetitive impatience that gets triggered in places of work. Impatience with the slow pace of change in your organization. Impatience with processes that don’t work. Impatience with colleagues who never get their stuff done in time. Impatience with questionable ethics. Impatience with glaring incompetence and the same tired excuses for why something cannot be done.

Our daily frustration with individual and systemic mediocrity.

I get it. You’re impatient for change. Impatience with the status quo is the hallmark of an inspired leader. You sometimes feel like you will burst out screaming if things don’t change fast.  

Scream at home. When you want to get things done in business, however, focus your impatience.

5 Ways Of Deploying Your Impatience Well

1. Open the Door of Possibility – with Finesse

NOT: What we’re doing right now sucks. I know what will work better.

You may like the language of bluster and bravado. It may feel authentic to you. It really DOES capture exactly how you feel. Dump authentic for a moment and opt for skill and finesse. Invite folks into your point of view – don’t hit them over the head with it.

BUT: It seems we have been struggling with this same dilemma for a while now. I have a few ideas that we may wish to consider.

2. Respect Tradition

NOT: Really, I can’t believe we’re still doing this the way we did it 30 years ago.

Most of us have worked in situations where processes feel arcane. Like, really, who ever thought THIS was a good way of doing business! Work flows inhabit progress. Rituals seem rigid, not nimble, don’t make any sense. Truth is, they likely made sense to someone at some point. Especially when rituals are tied to a company’s core values. If core values and tradition matter where you work, find a way to publicly honor them before you go on the attack!

BUT: I can see why this way of doing things contributed to so many of our early successes. There are some very impressive companies who have found ways of improving how they do things. Let’s see what we can learn from them.

3. Test Your Ideas – BEHIND the Scenes First

NOT: I will bring this up at our next Executive Meeting to make sure everybody is in the same room and hears the same message from me.

Yes, you will have a captive audience. You also run the risk of being labeled a loose cannon or a troublemaker. Before you bring up a potentially explosive topic in a large forum, test it in private 1-1 conversations. Float an idea by a colleague or two. Think of these as casual, low-risk lobbying conversations. Instead of forcing your idea on these colleagues, invite their honest reactions. Pay attention to what they say and what they don’t say. Truly listen. Then decide what to do with your idea.

BUT: I will test my ideas in informal 1-1 conversations to hear what others think and discover if my ideas resonate before I take a bold stand in the “big” meeting.

4. Forge Alliances

NOT: I will take this on as my pet project because nobody here is as passionate about this as I am.

Don’t be a martyr. Don’t assume that you’re the only one, or the most qualified one, to take on a cause. You may, in fact, be the most qualified. You will, however, have a lot more impact if you have allies. Your effort will be harder to dismiss. Take your lobbying conversations to the second level – that’s the level where you switch from testing an idea to getting a commitment of support from your conversation partners. That’s how allies are born.

BUT: I will work to make sure that at least 3 other key influencers are as fired up about making this change as I am. We will be a rebel tribe. Together, we will have a powerful voice.

5. Accelerate the Process

NOT: Great conversation. Let’s revisit this at our next monthly staff meeting.

We know that when we desire change and momentum, this is not a compelling way to end a meeting. We’ve all been in meetings, especially those where new ideas were proffered, that end in deferment. Don’t accept deferment. Ask for more. Suggest next-step commitments. And make them time-bound.

BUT: Great conversation. Let’s commit to the following three actions! Can we get this done by the end of next week? Who will take on which item? Awesome.

Successful impatience is strategic, it is persistent, and it pushes the proverbial envelope while playing successfully with others.

Celebrate your impatience. Impatience with the status quo is a powerful incubator for new ideas and new ways of doing/being. Season your impatience with your ability to be patient. They are flip sides of the same coin.

Hard? Perhaps. Not harnessing your impatience is harder.

The world beyond our immediate work and lives is in a dark and troubled place. There are endless reasons to be impatient, every day.

Choose impatience, don’t resist it.

Be strategic in your reactions. And deploy your impatience well.

The Problem With Being AUTHENTIC

Andy Cohen is the vivacious host of BRAVO Television’s talk fest “What Happens Live.” Like him or loathe him - Cohen has created a hard-to-ignore reality television empire at BRAVO.

I view this show as an authentic, no bullshit experience, he declared in an old issue of Details Magazine. Cohen was describing his talk show. I cringe. Not at Cohen. No, at the ease with which we toss about the word “authentic.”

Ever since Bill George popularized the notion of Authentic Leadership in his book True North, we have steadily killed the meaning of the word. Andy Cohen is describing a carefully curated, packaged and produced television event. Authentic? As if we all agreed on what the heck “authentic” is.

I want to be authentic with people.

It has become the most overused leadership cliché of the past decade or so. Mind you, I am in favor of not being inauthentic. But you and I can authentically be many different things. Which Authentic Self will you bring?

Authenticity means erasing the gap between what you firmly believe inside and what you reveal to the outside world.”

Adam Grant

I think of a conversation I had with Jen Congdon, Head of a Business Unit within a highly profitable publishing empire. Jen and I were talking about how to play well with folks who have social power. She mentioned her relationship with Chuck, the empire’s legal counsel. Chuck, it was clear, pushes Jen’s buttons. She sees him as the quintessential young buck climbing the social ladder, with a lot of bravado in the mix.

In a way Chuck is so transparent, Jen sighed. You just need to stroke his ego a lot to get things done. Another sigh. But I have to be authentic with people.
Are there things you genuinely appreciate about his talents as a lawyer? I inquired.
Yes, there are, Jen sheepishly admitted.
And can you authentically let him know that you appreciate those things? I asked.
I guess so. Jen said it with a pained look on her face.

We say authentic when we mean vulnerable. We say it when we mean genuine, truthful, direct. Transparent. When we mean “act according to our values.” When we long to express a strong emotion we feel. Why not toss the word authentic and say what we actually mean?

Let us not pretend that we all agree on what the heck authentic is. And what it looks like. I urge you to be mindful of the following myths that are frequently attached to the word authentic.

Myth #1: Just Be Yourself

When you go on a job interview and your best friend tells you Just Be Yourself. When you have to give a crucial speech at work and your colleague suggests Just Be Yourself. Let’s be clear – nobody in a job interview wants you to just be yourself. Or when you give a speech. Chances are, we don’t want you to be boring. We want you to be prepared. We want you to make choices about which Self you bring.

You and I can authentically be many different things. My joy can be authentic. My enthusiasm can be authentic. My fear can be authentic. My doubt. In key business situations, we want you to bring your Best Self. And we want you to be intentional about it. That’s grown-up authenticity.

Myth #2: Authentic People Say What They Really Think

No, not really. A thought is merely a thought. It may feel authentic for a moment. A minute later another thought may feel authentic. Thoughts come and go. Repetitive thoughts may indicate a pressing concern. When you and I have a pressing concern, in a business situation or a personal relationship, let us consider context: Is this a good moment to express what I’m thinking? Is it essential that I express my thoughts right now? Will expressing my thought enhance the conversation we’re having?

Expressing a thought is a choice. Not expressing a thought is a choice. Both can be authentic choices. Sometimes not expressing a thought is the more enlightened one. And authentic, as well.

Myth #3: I Like to Keep It Real

When I hear keeping it real this is what comes to mind: Gosh I’m tired of all the platitudes. The bullshit. The polite stuff. All the things we’re avoiding and not talking about. All the fake conversations. Let me cut through the crap.

A noble impulse. Beware, however. We have all been with folks for whom keeping it real means going on an angry tirade. Attacking and blaming. Unloading pent-up anger. Going on and on. Dumping. Letting it rip.

Authentic expression? Perhaps. I think of this behavior as unfiltered narcissistic authenticity. Yes, I say what is on my mind, with little regard for my audience. It, more often than not, has scant positive impact and much unintended detrimental impact.

Myth #4: Being authentic means I tell you “my story.”

Bill George popularized the notion of telling our “crucible stories.” Stories of moments in our past when we overcame barriers and obstacles. When we learned major life lessons. Crucible stories can often be inspiring. Old leadership thinking used to be that we hide our struggles and shortcomings from those around us. Current thinking, championed by the likes of George and Brene Brown, suggests that considered vulnerability fosters connection and personal impact.

I agree. I love stories. I love to tell them, and I have coached many folks on how to tell them well. Here’s the deal, however. Stories are often carefully selected for their potential impact. They are crafted and shaped. At times colored by all the things we leave out and don’t say. For every story we tell there are hundreds we do NOT tell. Each story we tell is a choice of omission. It is manipulated authenticity. We choose to highlight one facet of our narrative over others. Let’s not confuse this with being authentic. Because we could authentically tell legions of other stories that we withhold.

In case of doubt, bring the YOU that enhances execution and personal connection. Check the other selves at the door.

I’ve learned that it’s what you leave OUT of a performance, not what you put INTO it, the legemdary Tony Bennett said. Less is more. It’s not because of my age, but it’s the right thing to do.

Tony Bennett was 92 when he said that. He knew.

When you style a song, there’s the craft of singing. And there are the choices you make while you sing. Yes, less is often more. Just one of many authentic choices a performer makes.

When you lead, please don’t be yourself. Bring your BEST self. Make sure your best self comes wrapped in a bit of craft. Be vulnerable when your vulnerability will be helpful to those you lead. Use keen judgment about what to leave OUT.

And stop worrying about being authentic.

My Swimming Pool Lessons

I swim laps. I swim well over a mile at a time.

When I got an apartment in Setubal/Portugal, I immediately joined Supera, the city’s premier gym and swimming center. And I was wondering what it would feel like to swim in a gym again, after over a decade of swimming in an unpopulated condo pool in Florida and, prior to that, in the lap pool of my own home.

The pool area at Supera is expansive, with 25-meter lanes. Around Noontime, when I head to Supera for my swims, the pool area is not terribly crowded. Often, I have a lane all to myself. At other times, I will share a lane no more than one person.

This happened the other day.

I was standing at the edge of the pool. All lanes were taken, and I was considering which lane to join. A swimmer was doing his turn at the end of his lane, noticed me standing, stopped his swim and motioned me to go ahead and swim in his lane with him.

Not because he was done with his swim and about to get out. No. Just because …

I get a choice every time I open my mouth: that it can be with civility and dignity and grace – or not.”

Dana Perino, Former White House press secretary

It was a simple moment. It touched me deeply. In over 2 decades of swimming in the assorted swimming pools of Downtown Manhattan, often 4 or 5 people per lane, no one had ever motioned me to join their lane.

I hope they don’t get into MY lane. That is the mental conditioning of most swimmers who swim in public spaces. Sharing a lane is the last thing they wish to do.

I know. That is how my brain worked, as well, when I would see another swimmer approach the lanes. Until this fellow humbled me.

This co-existing mindset transcends how we share a lane in a pool. It is about civility. Kindness. Generosity of spirit. It applies to every aspect of our lives. Work, family, loved ones, strangers.

And this mindset plays out in so many little ways, micro-moment after micro-moment.

Here are a few more examples of how this civility plays out in my Supera pool, day after day.gage with these leadership questions in mind. They are a very fine place to begin. And they work in every facet of your life.

Micro-Moments of Civility

This never happened in a Manhattan pool. Ever. If I got a look, it was a look of annoyance that I had joined the lane.

Actually speaking with a fellow swimmer never, ever happened in a Manhattan pool.

This sort of in-lane swimming-pool-exchange is unimaginable in a Manhattan pool.

He slid in, with an appreciative smile. He thanked me and also elaborated that ideally, he likes a lane by himself. I grinned – because I DO understand. Then we both went ahead and shared our lane. Beautifully.

I jot down these notes 2 days before an American election. This is an election in which one candidate has called the other a physical excrement. The list of name-calling goes on and on.

“Words create worlds” is a sacred term from the world of Appreciative Inquiry. Yes, I believe that words do that. So do gestures. Moments of generosity and kindness.

The lack of civility in some of the public discourse in the United States seems even more jarring from afar. I appreciate the swimming-pool etiquette in my Supera microcosm where every person wears a bathing cap because public hygiene and well-being, for all, is deemed important.

As election week unfolds, know that civility is a choice. So is kindness. Go there.

My soul feels uplifted by my swimming-pool encounters. Every single time. Civility is the conduit. And always a choice.

Go there. Even when you don’t feel like it, go there.

3 Leadership Lessons from Bhutan

The world seems to be spinning out of control, doesn’t it? The spinning is animated by increasingly toxic examples of nihilist leadership. Void of core values, principles, moral standards.

7 years ago this month, I spent 12 days in Bhutan. I find myself remembering this trip as I settle into life in a new country – Portugal – and watch a world in extreme turmoil.

We did the sort of stuff most first-time visitors to Bhutan are wont to do. Hiked up to the Tiger’s Nest Monastery. Visited the massive Punakha Dzong Monastery in Punakha Valley. Marveled at Buddha Dordenna, the largest Buddha statue in the world.

Awe-inspiring. But my richest insights came from my encounters with the Bhutanese people. Insights about Presence. About showing up. Simply being.

A mind at peace, a mind centered and not focused on harming others, is stronger than any physical force in the universe.”

Dr. Wayne Dyer

My colleagues and I were on a mission to learn a little more about how a country that prizes the happiness of its people organizes itself. We met lots of regular folk. School teachers. Children. Service workers. Our intrepid travel guides. We also dined with Lhatu Wangchuk, the country’s former ambassador to the UN. Meditated with Saamdu Chetri, head of Bhutan’s Gross National Happiness Centre. Met Ulgyen Pelgen, the founder of the Bhutan Center for Management Studies. Spent time with his Holiness Khedrupchen Rinpoche.

We spoke with lots of people.

Regardless of their social standing or role, certain personal qualities were evident in absolutely every person I met. These qualities were, to use American leadership jargon, fully embodied. They transcended our notions of personality. Bhutan is probably the world’s last great Buddhist nation, and these qualities are clearly the fruit of centuries of Buddhist practice.

Let me name just a few.

Gentleness

As opposed to tough; abrasive; caustic; domineering. Name-calling. Belittling.

No one pushed. No one tried to be the center of attention. Everyone was “just there,” without the extra-notice me, it’s-my-turn-now effort. This includes the political luminaries, the reincarnated monk. The gentleness was devoid of any need to force circumstances or manipulate the flow of events to change. Yes, decisions were made, but I saw no evidence of “big egos,” or egos masked by a veneer of social platitudes. Daily decisions were made with ease, no drama.

Leadership question:

What would my business dealings look like if I approached each conversation with a little more gentleness?

Playfulness

As opposed to rigid; tense; stern; inflexible; overly serious.

It’s tempting to equate a spiritual worldview with seriousness. Quite the opposite was true in my Bhutanese encounters. Everyone I met had a delightful sense of humor, not unlike what folks tend to instantly notice when they meet the Dalai Lama. In the spirit of gentleness, the humor was light, whimsical, of the moment, never cutting. It never involved “telling a joke.” No, it was invariably a playful interaction with the present moment.

I attribute this ability to be playful in the moment to the notion of impermanence. Yes, we all kind of know this notion, and yet we are constantly attempting to control the uncontrollable. The idea that everything is impermanent was consistently brought up in my Bhutan conversations. If I remember that everything is indeed impermanent, being playful in the moment becomes a lot easier, isn’t it?

Leadership question:

How would my business dealings unfold differently if I were a little more playful in the moment?

Centeredness

As opposed to neurotic; unhinged; manic; frenetic; off-balance.

Yes, consistently rooted. Rooted as opposed to stressed, or if stressed, maintaining a sense of rootedness amid the stress. Rootedness connotes a link to the earth, with roots that are planted deep. They don’t pull out at the first gust of a storm. They stay solid, firm, an anchor in turbulent times. I don’t know if any of my Bhutanese friends were experiencing turbulent times. I experienced them as unwaveringly rooted in their faith, their environment, the moment. This steady centeredness had a reassuring and peaceful effect on me, and all those who were traveling with me.

Leadership Question:

How would my business dealings unfold differently if I met each situation fully centered, regardless of the circumstances?

These may be Buddhist qualities. They are also great universal leadership qualities.

To try less hard.

To be more fully present.

To cut the extra effort and avoid harm.

To just BE.

And trust that this will lead to better outcomes.

On my return flights from Delhi to Frankfurt and Miami that year, I binge-watched the hugely popular HBO series “Big Little Lies.” This show was absolutely sublime. Everything – the acting, the sound score, production design, cinematography, editing were as spot on as it gets. Set in Monterry on the California Coast, many of the characters were civic or business leaders. They reminded me of folks I know from my own life. Their obsessions, their dysfunctions. They were mostly quite endearing. Gentle, playful, centered they were not. No, largely unhinged.

Let’s all have a little helping of Bhutan, please. You may feel hopeless about the political state of the world. Be an activist. Do what you are moved to do. Wherever you engage, engage with these leadership questions in mind. They are a very fine place to begin. And they work in every facet of your life.

So, begin.

When EFFORT Is EFFORTLESS

It’s a by-product of getting older, I think.

I try less hard. I care a lot less about what you think of me. And I truly do not wish to wow you with anything I do. I mean, anything.

I contemplate this as I flip through an old issue of the monthly Wall Street Journal Magazine. I sprawl in my sofa and settle on a story about two designers and their house in the foothills of the Atlas mountains in Morocco, half an hour from Marrakesh.

“Anti-Wow”

That’s how the owners describe the style of their home.

“Anti-Wow”

Love this term. It has instant meaning for me. Not trying to show off. Not intent on dazzling. Trusts simplicity. Doesn’t put on a show.

Let’s relate this to how we humans show up in the world. The choices you and I make, intentional or not, in every social interaction we have.

From the sea of effortlessness, let your great uncaused compassion shine forth." 

Hakuin Ekaku, Japanese Zen Buddhist Master

I want this program to be a WOW, John, a Chief Learning Officer, says to me as we discuss an upcoming training event.

Sparkle, impress, be memorable. That’s how I hear his request for the Wow.

We love Gina but she just needs to be a little more polished, Miriam, a VP of HR says to me as we discuss a coaching opportunity.

I coach folks on Executive Presence, and in my conversations around presence the word polished is often thrown into the mix. It makes me squeamish, every time. Many of us are too polished. We work for the Wow. Sometimes consciously, more often not. Usually, we work for it just a little too hard.

I un-polish folks, that’s my private little joke. With a little bit of craft thrown in.

“Yes, Anti-Wow”

A conversation with a cab driver in Chicago. I used to be a housing inspector, he says to me. I have inspected hundreds of houses. And then he adds: Don’t let anyone tell you that houses don’t have energy.

The house in Morocco. It makes an impression without going for the dazzle. It trusts simplicity. Easy energy. The effort is effortless.

How do you and I do the same thing in our everyday interactions? With a client, a boss, a peer, a friend? Consider the following Do’s and Don’ts as you consider how you present yourself in the world.

The Don’ts:

The Do’s:

You are the house. I am the house. We are vessels of energy. Pure, unfettered energy is the anti-Wow. It’s the real deal

The “Anti-Wow” is a quiet Wow. It’s an honest, effortless Wow.

It wows by not trying to wow. It wows by trusting itself. It wows by not rushing, not trying too hard. And it leaves a lasting impression. Always does.

How OPEN Is Your Door?

I have an open-door policy.

You heard a CEO say it at a Town Hall meeting. You may have spoken those words yourself to a member of your team.

Come talk to me anytime.

Really? Like really? What does the CEO actually mean when they say it? Did YOU actually mean it? How available to folks are we really when we have ambitious and perhaps unrealistic performance goals and never enough time?

I miss Adam Bryant’s thought-provoking New York Times column, “The Corner Office,” in which he probed the leadership wisdom of a wide range of exceptional leaders. An interview Bryant had with Lt. General Nadja Y. West especially stuck with me.

I was stirred by West’s personal story. Lt. General West is 1 of 11 adopted children in a second-generation army family. Her African-American Dad joined the army in 1939 when the army was still segregated. At the time of the interview, Nadja Y. West served as the Army Surgeon General. She led 140,000 people.

Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” 

Brene Brown

The day soldiers stop coming to you with their problems, West told Bryant, in a paraphrase she attributes to Colin Powell, means one of two things. One is that you can’t help them because you’re not capable of helping them, or the other is that you don’t care. (NYT, 7/2/2017)

When we lead others, neither option is pretty.

Even if you’re busy and people keep coming to you, West suggests, never complain about that because that means they think you can do something about it or at least that you care.

Do people come to YOU? Do people feel like they CAN come to you? How approachable are you to your colleagues and folks on your team? Here are a few ways of gauging how approachable you really are.

1. Switch gears.

When you walk down the hallway or run into a colleague in the cafeteria and they raise a concern, do you tune into this unexpected moment?

We tune in by stopping the rush of going somewhere else, by having our body fully turned to the person, by looking the person in the eye and holding the eye-connection. We do so by, just for the moment, releasing any mind chatter that has nothing to do with listening to this individual. This is challenging even in a formally scheduled meeting. It requires double the vigilance in the unexpected encounter.

2. Check your platitude meter.

When our mind is elsewhere and someone brings an unexpected concern to us, it is easy to respond in platitudes. Gosh, that must be so frustrating. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I had no idea this was going on.

We may think we’re being an empathetic leader. They likely hear what we say as a bunch of platitudes. Use a platitude once too often, and the unintended message is Don’t come to me with any real issues. Don’t approach me, please. I don’t want to be bothered. And guess what, they will stop coming.

3. Hear the unspoken.

When someone approaches us with a dilemma or problem, chances are they are initially only giving us the Readers Digest version of the problem. They may minimize the concern because they do not wish to upset us or be seen as a troublemaker.

Listen for what they’re not telling you. The unspoken - that is the level of urgency and upset that is motivating them to address you. Every meaningful answer you provide needs to address the unspoken.

4. Stop mixed-messaging people.

We pride ourselves on being transparent. We let folks know when we’re stressed, have too much on our plate, work late to meet deadlines, are having a bad day. If these messages become the standard rather than the exception – guess what, folks are unlikely to come talk to us. We have successfully messaged them into wanting to leave us alone.

5. Forego protocol once in a while.

You respect protocol. Great. If, however, every time a team member comes to you with a concern you direct them to someone else – this is really a HR issue, this is something you may want to discuss with Bob – the message is clear. I will not take any risks in helping you. And you’re likely right, it may be a HR issue. Choose to get involved. Be an ally. Offer to go to HR with your team member. Otherwise, you have just become the boss I never want to approach with anything.

Lt. General West’s guidance is doubly compelling since she led in the military where she can, in theory, rule by command alone. West gets it. Be a fully human leader. Be ready to hear that which you may not wish to hear. Keep an open mind and heart. And let them SEE this open mind and heart.

In our rushed and overcommitted work days, not an easy thing. And oh so worth it.

The Art Of Being DIRECT

People have always told me that I’m very direct. Little do you know all the things I’m not telling, I invariably think to myself.

I come from a country that prides itself on directness. Germans like to complain about Americans. Their need to be “nice” and never say what they really think. Others, of course, may experience German directness as harsh. Americans like to complain about how some of their Asian-Pacific colleagues never say what they really think. A Japanese person, however, may experience an American communication as brash. Yes, directness is culture-relative.

I’m a lot more direct these days. Directness feels good. I feel untethered, and directness has powerfully elevated my professional impact.

Then, the other day…

Your ability to communicate with others will account for 85% of your success in your business and in your life.”

Brian Tracy, motivational speaker

I come home from a dinner and think of a few things I have said to my host, and I suddenly panic. Wait a minute, that may have been way too unfiltered. You may have totally offended him!

Potential unintended impact. Not my intent. Gosh, I hope I’m not turning into a self-righteous jerk, I wonder. And I remember the two emails I sent. They contained difficult messages. They were to the point. I did not receive answers right away.

Really, am I being too direct?

Maturity means you and I second-guess ourselves less. We have the courage of getting to the point. And we are, I hope, kind to others.

I want to continue being direct. Here’s my inner Directness meter. Memo to Achim. If this meter works for you as well – consider it a Memo to YOU.

5 Keys To Direct Communication That Works

1. Don’t Make Them Wrong

In case of doubt, argue passionately FOR what you stand for instead of AGAINST what they believe in. Draw a contrast between two divergent positions if you must, but resist the temptation to hammer away at everything that is wrong about what s/he values. Chances are, you will get lost in a tirade. Directness gone wrong.

2. Cut the Edge

The edge – that is any tinge of arrogance, superiority, sarcasm. Any touch of bravado or self-righteousness. Your swagger. Cut it. The edge tends to show up when we’re not aware of what we’re feeling, and those feelings suddenly hijack the message instead of informing it. When we speak with an edge all they will hear is the edge, and what we advocate for so strongly will be instantly dismissed.

3. Keep it Brief

Direct goes hand-in-hand with concise. The danger? When we feel strongly about a point of view, we will always be tempted to go on and on. And on. Because we want them to “really get it.” The less they get it, the more we go on and on. Their wall goes up. We become self-righteous. A vicious cycle. It’s brutal. Brevity, please.

4. The 1-second Delay

You pride yourself on being direct but others have labeled you a “shoot-from-the-hip” kinda person. You may think to yourself yeah that’s kinda cool, but chances are the label was not intended as a compliment. Direct with no impact. You know how they have a 7-second delay in live television so an editor can bleep the unacceptable crap? You may not need 7 seconds, but when you find yourself wanting to shoot from the hip, impose your own 1-second delay. Breathe. Think. Edit yourself. What comes next will likely be a little more direct with a lot more impact.

5. The Essential Questions Scan

If you’re not sure if being direct will be helpful in a given situation, ask yourself these two questions during your 1-second Delay: Does it need to be said? and Am I the one who needs to say it? If the answer to either question is NO, consider being less direct than you’re inclined to be.

Here’s my Cruise-Ship Directness lesson. You know how there are those conversations we have over and over again? They are our splendid teachers. Here’s a conversation that is endemic to South Florida where I lived for 20 years. Nearly everyone in my Florida social circles takes advantage of the proximity to two major Cruiseship ports. Folks here LOVE to cruise. And they LOVE to talk about it.

I don’t love cruising. To me, being on a cruise ship feels like being locked up in a gaudy Las Vegas hotel with too many guests in the halls and no way to escape. This is a sacrilegious perspective, I know. I have learned to not publicly indulge my disdain of cruises. I talk about the joys of vacationing in the Keys, instead. Very directly.

The two emails I wrote? The responses came in and all is well. I had a very pleasant social exchange with my dinner host last week. But I’m relieved that I considered my Directness Checklist again. A crucial tune-up.

I need it ever so often.

The Neuroscience of CONFORMIST Thought

Ever had a moment when you find yourself agreeing with someone even though your gut tells you that they are dead wrong? When you submit to group consensus even though you believe the group is blatantly ignoring contradictory evidence?

Classic research presented by Robert M. Sapolsky in an old The Wall Street Journal column (“The Brain Science of Conformity,” 4/22/17) got me thinking about this.

It was startling. And so relevant to how you and I show up in every sphere of our lives – at work, with friends.

In the 1950s, Solomon Ash conducted research on why we conform. Ash would ask a person a question that had a very obvious answer, such as “Here is a line. Which of these three other lines is it closest to in length?”Another person would be asked the same question, this time while in the midst of a group of folks. The group folk, all planted by Ash, would answer first and unanimously pick a wrong answer. Shockingly enough, up to ¾ of the time the actual research subject would agree with the wrong answer.

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.”

John F. Kennedy

Herd thinking. Faulty reasoning justified. Blatantly bad decisions celebrated. Blinders and more blinders becoming normed.

The neuroscience behind this? The moment we notice that everyone disagrees with us, the amygdala and the insular cortex - regions of the brain associated with anxiety and unease - get triggered. The higher the degree of activation, the stronger the urge to seek relief. We are compelled to conform.

2 Levels of Conformity

Moreover, there are two levels to our conformity.

PUBLIC conformity: We are animated by a strong desire to belong to a group and not stand out. And we may be willing to adjust our thinking or beliefs when we’re alone again. Wait a minute, what I said in that meeting really doesn’t make sense. I’m not sure why I agreed with that decision. I wish I could take my words back. 

PRIVATE conformity: Our brain works overtime to justify a position we took in public. It involves the activation of the visual cortex and the hippocampus – areas central to memory formation and the writing of our own narratives. Darn it, I couldn’t have been wrong.

50% of all folks who choose public conformity in the face of contrary evidence, according to research conducted by the Weizman Institute in the University of Haifa, do not resort to private conformity. The other half, in fact, do.

Yes, there’s lots of neural activity as we juggle our desire to belong with our need to correct errors and explain things that simply don’t make sense. Here are some ways to be watchful:

Conformity Watch Tips

1. If you find yourself getting anxious in a professional meeting, know that you may unwittingly end up agreeing to things that don’t make sense. Notice your anxiety. Slow down. Be extra-mindful of what you say before you speak.

2. Sometimes we agree to a course of action simply because it is strategically or politically prudent for us to do so. When you do, be clear that this is a one-time strategic trade-off. Do not submit this trade-off to private conformity.

3. Beware of habitually agreeing with ideas or actions that violate your values and what you know to be true. You’re destroying your most important asset in any relationship – your integrity.

4. If you frequently come home from work and think obsessively about commitments you made, or if you more often than not spend time justifying these commitments – be vigilant. Your public behavior is becoming misaligned with who you really are. You have checked into Level I AND Level II Conformity Jail. The longer you stay, the tougher the road back to YOU.

The celebrated writer Rita Mae Brown said it beautifully: The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.

No matter how savvy and smart you are, neural activity will kick in. Do not try to control it or deny it. Simply notice. Go on Conformity Watch. And stay out of Conformity Jail.  



The Power of Attending Behaviors

I notice them at once. A woman and a man.

They sit catty-corner from me on a Thursday morning, in a cafe in Miami . The woman leans into the table, her left elbow resting on the table-top, a look of eager curiosity on her face as she listens to the man sitting across from her. The woman’s entire presence radiates a sense of supreme interest and delight in the conversation. The man is leaning forward, in turn, his face animated, his eyes alive as he speaks.

They’re not a romantic couple, of that I am sure. I don’t know their story, don’t know what these two are talking about. But their conversation has the aura of high engagement. My eyes settle back on the woman’s demeanor as she leans into the table. Perfect attending behavior, I think to myself.

It’s a term used in counselor training. “Attending behavior,” as defined by the American Psychological Association, “is any behavior engaged in by an individual while attentively listening and observing a speaker, for example, exhibiting an open, interested posture and maintaining eye contact. Helpful attending behaviors, along with active listening, are considered cornerstones of a therapist’s or counselor’s ability.”

To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work.”

Mary Oliver

I haven’t thought of attending behavior in years. But there it is, right in front of me, staring me in the face: Perfect attending behavior.

Attending behavior prods the other person to speak. I love the allusions of the term.

There’s a reason why counselors are trained in attending behavior. It is useful in most any context. Hyper-useful in a critical business conversation.

Attending behavior is often trivialized as body language. It is that, yes, and so much more. Here’s how it breaks down.

Lean in

The body, and with the body our entire energy, tilts toward the person. This motion toward the other, more than any other signal, connotes our desire to be involved in the conversation and receive what the other has to offer. Simple. Powerful. In case of doubt, lean in.

Send encouraging non-verbal signals

We’re talking about the classic, subtle head nod. When overdone we may come across as over-eager. Ditto when we use it too often – it may be viewed as a trick. Used occasionally and sincerely, it indicates our interest in the conversation that’s unfolding. And it, yes, encourages the other person to delve deeper into the topic of your conversation.

Add verbal encouragers

As we listen to the other person speak, we insert the tiniest verbal prompts. Uhuh. Yes. Sure. Short verbal utterances that may indicate understanding, interest, or possible agreement. These quick utterances, just like our non-verbal prompts, encourage the speaker to proceed. They are a surefire way of deepening and extending any conversation.

Show genuine curiosity

Curiosity is the inside job of attending behavior. It infuses the previously mentioned behaviors with purpose and meaning. It permeates our entire presence. Without it, we are, indeed, reduced to body-language tricks. With it, we fuel rich relationships that invariably yield better outcomes. Dig in. Cultivate a curiosity mindset and align it with supportive social signals.

It’s the old chicken-or-the-egg question. Do we slip into attending behavior because we find ourselves in a stimulating conversation? Or does our attending behavior invoke the engaging conversation?

In ANY conversation that matters, lead with attending behavior.

When we attend to the other person, we invoke a richer conversation, a more productive outcome, every single time.

It’s so simple, isn’t it? Go Nike on this. Just do it.

Will You Please Just RELAX?

Just relax.

How often have you muttered those words to yourself as you feel stressed, under pressure, tense and gnarled in your body, or worse yet, don’t feel like you’re in your body at all?

Just relax. If only it were that easy.

Before I begin a coaching engagement with a client, I invariably have two key conversations. One with the individual I am about to coach, another with that individual’s boss. These are the conversations where we articulate the goals for the coaching journey. I had one such conversation last week. Arturo is a boss, and our chat was reminiscent of similar conversations I’ve had. We spoke of Stephanie, the individual I am about to support. After praising the many things Stephanie does well, Arturo recounted some of the scenarios where he felt Stephanie’s behavior had gotten her into trouble. Then, after a bit of a pause, Arturo ended with this statement: I think I just want her to relax.

You cannot always control what goes on outside, but you can always control what goes on inside.”

Dr. Wayne Dyer

I ponder Arturo’s words as I sit in my car that evening, driving to Miami, tuning my radio to NPR. A certain radio program host is on. I have always enjoyed this host’s keen mind and rich, sonorous voice. And I have always been a little distracted by his slight over-articulation of words. Clipped. Arch. Trying a little too hard. This evening, the archness in the voice is gone. My host sounds less announcer-ey, more conversational.

He has learned to relax, I think to myself.

It often is such a fine line, isn’t it, between relaxed and not? I don’t wish to review basics like taking a breath, meditating, slowing down with you here. Practicing mindfulness.

Yes, DO those things.

Here, however, are some additional behaviors you may wish to consider when the stakes are high, time is tight, you have an agenda and want to get stuff done. When a relaxed way of showing up seems to fly out the window.

Stop forcing.

Notice when you’re pressing just a little too hard for an outcome, for consensus, a resolution. When it is not happening in your ideal time-frame. Notice when others may need a different pace, additional time to reflect, or a pause. Reality is not matching your ideal-outcome storyline. Notice how you’re suddenly driving conversations with an irritated edge, an annoyed tone, a slight petulance. Just a little too hard.

Notice, and pull back.

Muscle-memorize your most relaxed self.

Muscle memory is a powerful thing. Athletes know. Even on a day when our mind may not feel as sharp as we’d like, our body performs. It remembers. Muscle memory kicks in. So, go and begin to remember what your body feels like when you’re at your most relaxed. For me, that’s when I step out of the pool after I have just had a robust lap-swim, when I lounge on my daybed and read, sit on the stool at my kitchen counter and conduct business from there. My job is to show up that relaxed, as often and whenever I can.

Remember, and drop into that state.

Allow for silence.

Some folks go quiet when they’re not relaxed. Most folks go hyper. They talk more. Talk faster. Their talk is likely to become repetitive. It becomes noise. Allow for silence. Don’t fill every second with chatter. In the silence new wisdom appears. In the silence we better observe what’s really going on. In the silence we hear, and reconnect with, our heartbeat – and the energy that emanates from our hearts.

Shut up for a moment, and settle into silence.

Make it about them.

An I, I, I storyline undercuts relaxation faster than anything else. I have to get this done right. I need to finish these 5 items before 3 o’clock. I know more about these matters than the rest of the team. I would rather work on something else. I, I, I. Me, me, me. Whenever possible, direct your attention to the person or persons in front of you, what they are saying, what they may need, and how you can be of service. Shift your focus from you to them. Every moment instantly gets simpler. Suddenly, we’re engaged with what is actually real, in front of us, in this moment, not our random storylines. Exhale.

Focus on others, and feel your body unwind.

Have faith. 

It is difficult to relax when I believe that every outcome is dependent on my behavior, my actions, my efforts. Whew, what pressure. I don’t advocate for a fatalistic mindset, mind you. I believe in my ability to affect outcomes. I equally believe that if something doesn’t work out just as I wished, that outcome is the outcome that was meant to happen, in that moment. The one that will lead us to the next right outcome. That sort of faith allows me to relax.

This, of course, is the paradox: When I relax, I am able to more potently affect the outcomes I envision and desire. Go figure.