The Art Of Being DIRECT

People have always told me that I’m very direct. Little do you know all the things I’m not telling, I invariably think to myself.

I come from a country that prides itself on directness. Germans like to complain about Americans. Their need to be “nice” and never say what they really think. Others, of course, may experience German directness as harsh. Americans like to complain about how some of their Asian-Pacific colleagues never say what they really think. A Japanese person, however, may experience an American communication as brash. Yes, directness is culture-relative.

I’m a lot more direct these days. Directness feels good. I feel untethered, and directness has powerfully elevated my professional impact.

Then, the other day…

Your ability to communicate with others will account for 85% of your success in your business and in your life.”

Brian Tracy, motivational speaker

I come home from a dinner and think of a few things I have said to my host, and I suddenly panic. Wait a minute, that may have been way too unfiltered. You may have totally offended him!

Potential unintended impact. Not my intent. Gosh, I hope I’m not turning into a self-righteous jerk, I wonder. And I remember the two emails I sent. They contained difficult messages. They were to the point. I did not receive answers right away.

Really, am I being too direct?

Maturity means you and I second-guess ourselves less. We have the courage of getting to the point. And we are, I hope, kind to others.

I want to continue being direct. Here’s my inner Directness meter. Memo to Achim. If this meter works for you as well – consider it a Memo to YOU.

5 Keys To Direct Communication That Works

1. Don’t Make Them Wrong

In case of doubt, argue passionately FOR what you stand for instead of AGAINST what they believe in. Draw a contrast between two divergent positions if you must, but resist the temptation to hammer away at everything that is wrong about what s/he values. Chances are, you will get lost in a tirade. Directness gone wrong.

2. Cut the Edge

The edge – that is any tinge of arrogance, superiority, sarcasm. Any touch of bravado or self-righteousness. Your swagger. Cut it. The edge tends to show up when we’re not aware of what we’re feeling, and those feelings suddenly hijack the message instead of informing it. When we speak with an edge all they will hear is the edge, and what we advocate for so strongly will be instantly dismissed.

3. Keep it Brief

Direct goes hand-in-hand with concise. The danger? When we feel strongly about a point of view, we will always be tempted to go on and on. And on. Because we want them to “really get it.” The less they get it, the more we go on and on. Their wall goes up. We become self-righteous. A vicious cycle. It’s brutal. Brevity, please.

4. The 1-second Delay

You pride yourself on being direct but others have labeled you a “shoot-from-the-hip” kinda person. You may think to yourself yeah that’s kinda cool, but chances are the label was not intended as a compliment. Direct with no impact. You know how they have a 7-second delay in live television so an editor can bleep the unacceptable crap? You may not need 7 seconds, but when you find yourself wanting to shoot from the hip, impose your own 1-second delay. Breathe. Think. Edit yourself. What comes next will likely be a little more direct with a lot more impact.

5. The Essential Questions Scan

If you’re not sure if being direct will be helpful in a given situation, ask yourself these two questions during your 1-second Delay: Does it need to be said? and Am I the one who needs to say it? If the answer to either question is NO, consider being less direct than you’re inclined to be.

Here’s my Cruise-Ship Directness lesson. You know how there are those conversations we have over and over again? They are our splendid teachers. Here’s a conversation that is endemic to South Florida where I lived for 20 years. Nearly everyone in my Florida social circles takes advantage of the proximity to two major Cruiseship ports. Folks here LOVE to cruise. And they LOVE to talk about it.

I don’t love cruising. To me, being on a cruise ship feels like being locked up in a gaudy Las Vegas hotel with too many guests in the halls and no way to escape. This is a sacrilegious perspective, I know. I have learned to not publicly indulge my disdain of cruises. I talk about the joys of vacationing in the Keys, instead. Very directly.

The two emails I wrote? The responses came in and all is well. I had a very pleasant social exchange with my dinner host last week. But I’m relieved that I considered my Directness Checklist again. A crucial tune-up.

I need it ever so often.

The Neuroscience of CONFORMIST Thought

Ever had a moment when you find yourself agreeing with someone even though your gut tells you that they are dead wrong? When you submit to group consensus even though you believe the group is blatantly ignoring contradictory evidence?

Classic research presented by Robert M. Sapolsky in an old The Wall Street Journal column (“The Brain Science of Conformity,” 4/22/17) got me thinking about this.

It was startling. And so relevant to how you and I show up in every sphere of our lives – at work, with friends.

In the 1950s, Solomon Ash conducted research on why we conform. Ash would ask a person a question that had a very obvious answer, such as “Here is a line. Which of these three other lines is it closest to in length?”Another person would be asked the same question, this time while in the midst of a group of folks. The group folk, all planted by Ash, would answer first and unanimously pick a wrong answer. Shockingly enough, up to ¾ of the time the actual research subject would agree with the wrong answer.

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.”

John F. Kennedy

Herd thinking. Faulty reasoning justified. Blatantly bad decisions celebrated. Blinders and more blinders becoming normed.

The neuroscience behind this? The moment we notice that everyone disagrees with us, the amygdala and the insular cortex - regions of the brain associated with anxiety and unease - get triggered. The higher the degree of activation, the stronger the urge to seek relief. We are compelled to conform.

2 Levels of Conformity

Moreover, there are two levels to our conformity.

PUBLIC conformity: We are animated by a strong desire to belong to a group and not stand out. And we may be willing to adjust our thinking or beliefs when we’re alone again. Wait a minute, what I said in that meeting really doesn’t make sense. I’m not sure why I agreed with that decision. I wish I could take my words back. 

PRIVATE conformity: Our brain works overtime to justify a position we took in public. It involves the activation of the visual cortex and the hippocampus – areas central to memory formation and the writing of our own narratives. Darn it, I couldn’t have been wrong.

50% of all folks who choose public conformity in the face of contrary evidence, according to research conducted by the Weizman Institute in the University of Haifa, do not resort to private conformity. The other half, in fact, do.

Yes, there’s lots of neural activity as we juggle our desire to belong with our need to correct errors and explain things that simply don’t make sense. Here are some ways to be watchful:

Conformity Watch Tips

1. If you find yourself getting anxious in a professional meeting, know that you may unwittingly end up agreeing to things that don’t make sense. Notice your anxiety. Slow down. Be extra-mindful of what you say before you speak.

2. Sometimes we agree to a course of action simply because it is strategically or politically prudent for us to do so. When you do, be clear that this is a one-time strategic trade-off. Do not submit this trade-off to private conformity.

3. Beware of habitually agreeing with ideas or actions that violate your values and what you know to be true. You’re destroying your most important asset in any relationship – your integrity.

4. If you frequently come home from work and think obsessively about commitments you made, or if you more often than not spend time justifying these commitments – be vigilant. Your public behavior is becoming misaligned with who you really are. You have checked into Level I AND Level II Conformity Jail. The longer you stay, the tougher the road back to YOU.

The celebrated writer Rita Mae Brown said it beautifully: The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.

No matter how savvy and smart you are, neural activity will kick in. Do not try to control it or deny it. Simply notice. Go on Conformity Watch. And stay out of Conformity Jail.  



The Power of Attending Behaviors

I notice them at once. A woman and a man.

They sit catty-corner from me on a Thursday morning, in a cafe in Miami . The woman leans into the table, her left elbow resting on the table-top, a look of eager curiosity on her face as she listens to the man sitting across from her. The woman’s entire presence radiates a sense of supreme interest and delight in the conversation. The man is leaning forward, in turn, his face animated, his eyes alive as he speaks.

They’re not a romantic couple, of that I am sure. I don’t know their story, don’t know what these two are talking about. But their conversation has the aura of high engagement. My eyes settle back on the woman’s demeanor as she leans into the table. Perfect attending behavior, I think to myself.

It’s a term used in counselor training. “Attending behavior,” as defined by the American Psychological Association, “is any behavior engaged in by an individual while attentively listening and observing a speaker, for example, exhibiting an open, interested posture and maintaining eye contact. Helpful attending behaviors, along with active listening, are considered cornerstones of a therapist’s or counselor’s ability.”

To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work.”

Mary Oliver

I haven’t thought of attending behavior in years. But there it is, right in front of me, staring me in the face: Perfect attending behavior.

Attending behavior prods the other person to speak. I love the allusions of the term.

There’s a reason why counselors are trained in attending behavior. It is useful in most any context. Hyper-useful in a critical business conversation.

Attending behavior is often trivialized as body language. It is that, yes, and so much more. Here’s how it breaks down.

Lean in

The body, and with the body our entire energy, tilts toward the person. This motion toward the other, more than any other signal, connotes our desire to be involved in the conversation and receive what the other has to offer. Simple. Powerful. In case of doubt, lean in.

Send encouraging non-verbal signals

We’re talking about the classic, subtle head nod. When overdone we may come across as over-eager. Ditto when we use it too often – it may be viewed as a trick. Used occasionally and sincerely, it indicates our interest in the conversation that’s unfolding. And it, yes, encourages the other person to delve deeper into the topic of your conversation.

Add verbal encourages

As we listen to the other person speak, we insert the tiniest verbal prompts. Uhuh. Yes. Sure. Short verbal utterances that may indicate understanding, interest, or possible agreement. These quick utterances, just like our non-verbal prompts, encourage the speaker to proceed. They are a surefire way of deepening and extending any conversation.

Show genuine curiosity

Curiosity is the inside job of attending behavior. It infuses the previously mentioned behaviors with purpose and meaning. It permeates our entire presence. Without it, we are, indeed, reduced to body-language tricks. With it, we fuel rich relationships that invariably yield better outcomes. Dig in. Cultivate a curiosity mindset and align it with supportive social signals.

It’s the old chicken-or-the-egg question. Do we slip into attending behavior because we find ourselves in a stimulating conversation? Or does our attending behavior invoke the engaging conversation?

In ANY conversation that matters, lead with attending behavior.

When we attend to the other person, we invoke a richer conversation, a more productive outcome, every single time.

It’s so simple, isn’t it? Go Nike on this. Just do it.

Will You Please Just RELAX?

Just relax.

How often have you muttered those words to yourself as you feel stressed, under pressure, tense and gnarled in your body, or worse yet, don’t feel like you’re in your body at all?

Just relax. If only it were that easy.

Before I begin a coaching engagement with a client, I invariably have two key conversations. One with the individual I am about to coach, another with that individual’s boss. These are the conversations where we articulate the goals for the coaching journey. I had one such conversation last week. Arturo is a boss, and our chat was reminiscent of similar conversations I’ve had. We spoke of Stephanie, the individual I am about to support. After praising the many things Stephanie does well, Arturo recounted some of the scenarios where he felt Stephanie’s behavior had gotten her into trouble. Then, after a bit of a pause, Arturo ended with this statement: I think I just want her to relax.

You cannot always control what goes on outside, but you can always control what goes on inside.”

Dr. Wayne Dyer

I ponder Arturo’s words as I sit in my car that evening, driving to Miami, tuning my radio to NPR. A certain radio program host is on. I have always enjoyed this host’s keen mind and rich, sonorous voice. And I have always been a little distracted by his slight over-articulation of words. Clipped. Arch. Trying a little too hard. This evening, the archness in the voice is gone. My host sounds less announcer-ey, more conversational.

He has learned to relax, I think to myself.

It often is such a fine line, isn’t it, between relaxed and not? I don’t wish to review basics like taking a breath, meditating, slowing down with you here. Practicing mindfulness.

Yes, DO those things.

Here, however, are some additional behaviors you may wish to consider when the stakes are high, time is tight, you have an agenda and want to get stuff done. When a relaxed way of showing up seems to fly out the window.

Stop forcing.

Notice when you’re pressing just a little too hard for an outcome, for consensus, a resolution. When it is not happening in your ideal time-frame. Notice when others may need a different pace, additional time to reflect, or a pause. Reality is not matching your ideal-outcome storyline. Notice how you’re suddenly driving conversations with an irritated edge, an annoyed tone, a slight petulance. Just a little too hard.

Notice, and pull back.

Muscle-memorize your most relaxed self.

Muscle memory is a powerful thing. Athletes know. Even on a day when our mind may not feel as sharp as we’d like, our body performs. It remembers. Muscle memory kicks in. So, go and begin to remember what your body feels like when you’re at your most relaxed. For me, that’s when I step out of the pool after I have just had a robust lap-swim, when I lounge on my daybed and read, sit on the stool at my kitchen counter and conduct business from there. My job is to show up that relaxed, as often and whenever I can.

Remember, and drop into that state.

Allow for silence.

Some folks go quiet when they’re not relaxed. Most folks go hyper. They talk more. Talk faster. Their talk is likely to become repetitive. It becomes noise. Allow for silence. Don’t fill every second with chatter. In the silence new wisdom appears. In the silence we better observe what’s really going on. In the silence we hear, and reconnect with, our heartbeat – and the energy that emanates from our hearts.

Shut up for a moment, and settle into silence.

Make it about them.

An I, I, I storyline undercuts relaxation faster than anything else. I have to get this done right. I need to finish these 5 items before 3 o’clock. I know more about these matters than the rest of the team. I would rather work on something else. I, I, I. Me, me, me. Whenever possible, direct your attention to the person or persons in front of you, what they are saying, what they may need, and how you can be of service. Shift your focus from you to them. Every moment instantly gets simpler. Suddenly, we’re engaged with what is actually real, in front of us, in this moment, not our random storylines. Exhale.

Focus on others, and feel your body unwind.

Have faith. 

It is difficult to relax when I believe that every outcome is dependent on my behavior, my actions, my efforts. Whew, what pressure. I don’t advocate for a fatalistic mindset, mind you. I believe in my ability to affect outcomes. I equally believe that if something doesn’t work out just as I wished, that outcome is the outcome that was meant to happen, in that moment. The one that will lead us to the next right outcome. That sort of faith allows me to relax.

This, of course, is the paradox: When I relax, I am able to more potently affect the outcomes I envision and desire. Go figure.

The Dopamine Rewards of Business Writing

Does compelling business writing matter anymore? I mean, really matter? In a time of texting, tweeting, keywords, hashtags, tiktok, sound-bites and the rapid-fire scanning of emails – does anyone still care about a well-crafted message?

Ok, that was a hypothetical question.

My friend Victor accepted a new Senior Director of HR role at a biotech company. 6 weeks later, when Denise, Head of HR, called him into her office and informed him that he would be assigned a writing coach, it was clear to Victor – and me – that writing, indeed, still matters. Victor had sailed through 4 rounds of interviews with personal charm and confident answers. Nobody had bothered to check a writing sample.

When Denise broached the topic, Victor felt like a shameful secret had been exposed.

Bill Brichard is a writing coach. An article Brichard wrote for The Harvard Business Review got me thinking about all this (Brichard, “The Science of Strong Business Writing,“ July/August 2021). Brichard’s article is chock-full of writing-impact-research-data. Neurobiology supports some of the “good-business-writing-tips” you were likely taught in school. And it held a surprise or two for me.

Good writing, explains Brichard, gets the reader’s dopamine flowing in the area of the brain known as the reward circuit. Great writing releases opioids that turn on reward hot spots. Just like good food, a soothing bath, or an enveloping hug, well-executed prose makes us feel pleasure, which makes us want to keep reading.

The most valuable of talents is that of never using two words when one will do.”

Thomas Jefferson

Think of your writing. Does it get anyone’s dopamine going? Do YOU activate brain hot spots?

Researchers used to believe that the reward circuits which keep a reader engaged respond predominantly to sensory cues. Kent Berridge, a neuroscientist from the University of Michigan, explains that “it’s become clear in the past 50 years from neuroimaging studies that all kinds of social and cultural rewards can also activate this system.”

Whoa. Sounds a little overwhelming, right? Which specific writing techniques truly DO activate the neural wiring in our readers’ brains?

Brichard offers 8 key tips: Writing that is simple, specific, surprising, stirring, seductive, smart, social or story-driven. In the spirit of the first item on Brichard’s list, let me further simplify.

4 Writing Tips That Activate Neural Circuits

Simplicity

It’s the classic. Keep it simple. The neuroscience behind it is entirely common-sense. Simplicity increases what scientists call the brain’s “processing fluidity.” Short sentences, familiar words and clean syntax ensure that the reader doesn’t have to exert too much brainpower to understand your meaning.

Data point after data point proves that it is so. A study conducted by Tsuyoshi Okuhara at the University of Tokyo, for example, gave 400 subjects aged 40-69 material to read about how to exercise for better health. Half received highly detailed and somewhat technical content, the other half received a significantly abbreviated edit of the same material. The group that read the simple version, presented in shorter words and sentences, expressed a lot more confidence in being able to succeed with the suggested behaviors.

Trust the basics, please: Cut extraneous words and use the active voice. Distill to what is truly essential. Discard ancillary information. Your readers’ brain response will reward you.

Surprise

Our brains are wired to make predictions. This includes guessing the next word in every line of text. Deliver consistently on these predictions, and what is at first comforting can become predictable and dull. Surprise your reader with an unexpected phrase, analogy, word, and the surprise will spike deeper brain engagement.

Research conducted by Jonah Berger and Katherine Milkman saw the impact of surprising content when they examined nearly 7,000 articles that appeared online in the New York Times. The articles that were rated as surprising were 14% more likely to be mailed to others.

I am not a car geek, but Dan Neil’s lusciously written car columns in the Weekend edition of The Wall Street Journal have me showing up for more, every Saturday. Neil is a master of surprise writing. His March 3 review of the 2024 Maserati MC20 Cielo starts as follows: I went to a garden party in Los Angeles last month, to celebrate with my rich friends …

Now, I am not obsessed with Maseratis or rich people – but darn it, this is the opening of a car review, and I WILL keep reading.

Seductiveness

As humans, we’re wired to savor anticipation. One famous study showed that people are often happier planning a vacation than they are after taking one. Scientists call the reward “anticipatory utility.” Dan Neil’s just-quoted snippet of writing is a fine example of anticipation-in-action. Even though I don’t actually care about Maseratis, I want to know what he will say about the party – and how he will connect the party people to this new car model he's writing about.

A more mundane way to create anticipation is starting a report or email with a question. Pose your customer problem as a conundrum. Define your product development work as solving a mystery. Put readers in a state of uncertainty so that you can lead them to something better. That is, in fact, how this Post kicked off.

Social Connection

Our brains are wired to crave human connection, even in what we read. Consider a study of reader’s responses to different kinds of literary excerpts - some with vivid descriptions of people or their thoughts, others without such focus. The passages that included people activated the areas of participants’ brains that interpret social signals, which in turn triggered their reward circuits.

In your business writing you likely won’t rely on explicit character development - unless you include a pertinent anecdote or a client case study. But there are other ways of satisfying your readers’ desire to connect with you. There are subtle ways of revealing yourself and inviting your reader into your writing. Think voice, worldview, vocabulary choice, wit, syntax, poetic rhythm. And whenever possible, humanize the matter you’re describing. If you wish to make a point about a supply chain challenge, don’t describe the problem as a “trucking disconnect.” Write instead about mixed signals between the driver and dispatcher.

All writing is craft. Craft can be learned. Improvement comes with intentional practice.

Keep activating your readers’ reward circuits. The 4 areas I have highlighted – simplicity, surprise, seductiveness and social connection - are a fine place to start.

Funny thing I know as a writer – when I practice my craft with intention, I not only fire up my readers’ reward circuits, I fire up my own. I keep surprising myself. And that is one of our four great writing habits, isn’t it? Oh, what joy.

Embody Who You Say You Are

I was dazzled.

A few of years ago, sitting in the glorious Berlin Philharmonie on a Sunday night, listening to the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra tear into Faure, Schoenberg, Ravel.

Dazzled most by rising-star-composer Matthias Pintscher who was conducting. Whew, this guy embodies music, I thought to myself.

Pintscher conducts with his entire body. The fire of his grand gestures. The grace of his gentle coaxing. The effortless dynamic between the two. The generous way Pintscher acknowledges his musicians during the ovation. The way he bows to the audience, hand on his heart. The vigor with which he enters from the wings.

Not the showiness of Leonard Bernstein. No, always from the core, as my trainer would say.

Music embodied. From the soul. All of him.

On a NPR news program, commentator and best-selling author David Brooks was asked to predict the messages Pope Francis would bring to his US visit.

Who Pope Francis IS, Brooks replied, is the message.

The sea is only the embodiment of a supernatural and wonderful existence.”

Jules Verne

The Pope’s easy smile, his open heart. Lovingkindness embodied.

The Late Show’s Stephen Colbert engaged in rapid-fire conversation with Apple CEO Tim Cook. I was dazzled by Colbert’s wit. His smarts. His impeccable timing. His ability to swing from the silly to the sublime. His silences. Wicked. Engaging conversation embodied.

When Colbert inquired about Cook’s disclosure that he is gay, the introverted Cook spoke eloquently about his desire to go public when LGBT youth continues to be taunted, harassed, shamed.

Whole leadership embodied.

Let’s take the notion of embodiment into our everyday lives. Here are comments I frequently hear from the fast-flying C-Suite executives I have the privilege to support through my work.

Embody These Phrases

I am really a very compassionate person.

Do you embody compassion?

I am excited about _______ (you fill in the blank)!

Do you embody excitement?

I don’t stand on protocol and procedure.

Do you embody that assertion?

I love working with my team.

Do you embody this love?

I appreciate the complexities of leading in a highly pressured, fast-changing world. It makes it that much more urgent that we contemplate the question: Where is the gap between who I say I am and how I show myself to the world?

Close the gap. Be who you say you are.

Own your dark side. Manage it, don’t embody it.

Embody everything else. Embody it as much, as often, as boldly as you can.

Embodied folk reap the rewards of true connection, every day.

Go reap.

The Gifts of Succinctness

Last Wednesday at 10 pm, I turned into the initial episode of Capote Vs. The Swans on FX.

I am intrigued by the cautionary tale of a brilliant writer whose character flaws precipitate a tragic fall from grace. I wanted to see some of the great talent involved in this project. Naomi Watts. Diane Lane. Chloe Sevigny. Demi Moore. Gus Van Sant. Many more. I love craft.

Here’s what I thought of as I watched this exquisitely concocted cinematic work. In a movie or a television show, each moment is edited, down to every nano-second. Naomi Watts and Tom Holland and the entire rest of the cast know that I, the viewer, never actually see the scenes they shot. I get to see a highly edited, streamlined, laser-focused version of their work, where footage that is deemed inferior gets deleted and other footage, in turn, is elevated via edits.

Heightened reality.

Real life isn’t movie life. In real life, you and I act as our moment-by-moment communication editors.

Edit smartly, please.

If you can’t explain something in a few words, try fewer."

Robert Breault/Opera Singer

Here are a few things I have learned as I start recording the fourth season of my podcast, MY FOURTH ACT: Some guests are easy to follow, some harder. Some deliver crisp messages on a silver platter, some meander. Some think succinctly, and some do not.

And I had to face the fact that I, too, can be repetitive and not as succinct as I would like to be. Ouch.

I think of this every week as my podcast producer, Hugo Sanchez, and I edit podcasts. We do post-production work to ensure that every guest, and I, sound crisp and clear. An everyday business conversation, of course, is not a podcast chat. If anything, there is room in a podcast conversation to be a little more expansive. Tell more stories. Get a bit elliptical, perhaps. Ride a wave of whimsy.

No Hugo edits you and me in our daily business conversations. It behooves us to have a keenly developed sense of how to clearly articulate our thoughts, craft a succinct message, and most importantly, craft it in a way that lands with impact.

It all depends on the circumstances and who we speak with, you may say. Yes, it always does. And yet there are, regardless of circumstance, some basic principles that will always help us be more succinct.

How To Be An EFFECTIVE Self-Editor

Think, then speak.

It seems so obvious – and it isn’t easy to execute. When someone asks us a question, we feel an instant pressure to answer quickly. Answer before we have settled on what we actually wish to say. Answer because we “should” be able to answer the question. Answer because we don’t wish the silence before the answer to be misunderstood. So we launch into an answer and make it up as we go along. Chances are, we will ramble. Chance are, succinctness flies out the window.

Tip: Take a second or two before you speak to collect your thoughts and settle on a message. Period. End of story. When you do, being succinct will be so much easier.

Don’t make me work so damn hard.

When you just start talking, and then keep talking as you figure out what your message is, you are making me figure out what your message is alongside you. If we get lucky, you get clear quickly. If you get lost in the fog of non-clarity, I get lost in the fog with you. I will end up working way too hard to understand the point you wish to make. You will exhaust me. And you will annoy me just a bit. Because the point you wish to make should land on the shores of my brain with ease.

Tip: Start with clearly stating your message or point-of-view, then elaborate. It will help you to stay on point. It will help me to “get” your point and follow along.

Don’t tell me everything you know.

When I ask you a question, please just answer the question. Don’t also answer questions I didn’t ask. I realize that may seem self-evident – but when we are asked about an area of high expertise for us or a topic we’re very passionate about, the temptation to over-communicate is tremendous. We want to offer more context. We want to dive into complexity and nuance. Resist. Answer the question simply, and if the other person longs for more information, s/he will jump in with a follow-up question based on the answer you provided.

Tip: 90% of all questions are easily answered with no more than 4-6 sentences. If you habitually offer longer answers, you are likely over-answering AND wearing down your conversation partners.

Please, stop.

I hear executives all the time who make a statement, are finished (or so it seems to me), add another sentence or two and are finished again (or so it seems to me), and then add yet more information. I urge you develop a clear sense of when you’re done. Know when you have delivered a message and STOP. Keep it simple by reminding yourself to deliver one main message at a time when you speak - not multiple messages or mixed messages. It is such a relief for the listener when your message is clear, simple and clean. And when you STOP to indicate that this is so. We will be so grateful to you.

Tip: Avoid multiple endings when you speak. Avoid the temptation to throw more than one message into a response. Your message is always more powerful when the listener knows that you’re done. Because you stopped.

Don’t always wish to be succinct? Here’s where the beauty of storytelling comes in. Because when it comes to storytelling, you get to be un-succinct.

Know why you are telling the story, and then revel in some of the details of the story. Help us see, feel, sense and smell the place where your story takes place. Take your time. Transport us into the experience of being in the story with you. The sensual details will do the transporting. Your succinctness will not. In a story, succinctness will give us the executive summary of the story – but if you desire the emotional pay-off of a story, luxuriate in the details.

Exceptional communicators excel at mixing up the succinctness of a clean message with the luxuriating experience of a story well told. It is a beautiful mix to behold.

Truman Capote thought of himself as a great storyteller. In the end, his lack of editorial judgment, fueled by excessive alcohol consumption, got the best of him.

Edit yourself consciously. Edit yourself well.

It’s an essential leadership and life skill.

5 Ways To Harness Your Impatience

Patience is the art of concealing your impatience.

A favorite quote from Guy Kawasaki. May I add – instead of concealing, let us think channeling. Embracing. Harnessing.

I don’t suggest the “I want it right-here-right-now impatience.” That is an easy sort of petulance. It may have gotten us what we wanted when we were a toddler. It rarely works for grown-ups.

No, I’m thinking of the sort of repetitive and spirit-killing impatience that gets triggered in our places of work. Impatience with the slow pace of change in our organization. Impatience with processes that plain don’t work. Impatience with colleagues who never get their stuff done in time. Impatience with questionable ethics. Impatience with glaring incompetence and the same tired excuses for why something cannot be done.

Our daily frustration with individual and systemic mediocrity.

Your impatience might benefit the other person who has been patient enough to break your patience."

Ancient proverb

I get it. You’re impatient for change. Impatience with the status quo is the hallmark of an impassioned leader. You sometimes feel like you will burst out screaming if things don’t change a little faster.  

Scream at home. When you want to get things done in business, however, focus your impatience. Consider these 5 ways of directing your impatience well.

  1. Open the Door of Possibility – with Grace

NOT: What we’re doing right now sucks. I know what will work better.

You may like the language of bluster and bravado. It may feel authentic to you. It really does capture exactly how you feel. Dump authentic for a moment and opt for skill and finesse. Invite folks into your point of view – don’t hit them over the head with it.

BUT: It seems we have been struggling with this same dilemma for a while now. I have a few ideas that we may wish to consider.

  1. Respect Tradition

NOT: Really, I can’t believe we’re still doing this the way we did it 30 years ago.

Most of us have worked in situations where processes feel arcane. Like, really, who ever thought THIS was a good way of doing business! Work flows inhibit progress. Rituals seem rigid, not nimble, don’t make any sense. Truth is, they likely made sense to someone at some point. Especially when rituals are tied to a company’s core values. If core values and tradition matter where you work, find a way to publicly honor them before you go on the attack!

BUT: I can see why this way of doing things contributed to so many of our early successes. There are some very impressive companies that we all know who have found ways of improving how they do things. Let’s see what we can learn from them.

  1. Test Your Ideas – BEHIND the scenes first

NOT: I will bring this up at our next Executive Meeting to make sure everybody is in the same room and hears the same message from me.

Yes, you will have a captive audience. You also run the risk of being labeled a loose cannon. Before you bring up a potentially explosive topic in a large forum, test it in private 1-1 conversations. Float an idea by a colleague or two. Think of these as casual, low-risk lobbying conversations. Instead of forcing your idea on these colleagues, invite their honest reactions. Pay attention to what they say and what they don’t say. Truly listen. Then decide what to do with your idea.

BUT: I will test my ideas in informal 1-1 conversations to hear what others think and discover if my ideas resonate before I take a bold stand in the “big” meeting.

Patience is not passive. On the contrary, it is concentrated strength." 

Bruce Lee

  1. Forge Alliances

NOT: I will take this on as my pet project because nobody here is as passionate about this as I am.

Don’t be a martyr. Don’t assume that you’re the only one, or the most qualified one, to take on a cause. You may, in fact, be the most qualified. You will, however, have a lot more impact if you have allies. Your effort will be harder to dismiss. Take your lobbying conversations to the second level – that’s the level where you switch from testing an idea to getting a commitment of support from your conversation partners.

BUT: I will work to make sure that at least 3 other key influencers are as fired up about making this change as I am. We will be a rebel tribe. Together, we will have a powerful voice.

  1. Accelerate the Process

NOT: Great conversation. Let’s revisit this at our next monthly staff meeting.

We know that when we desire change and momentum, this is not a compelling way to end a meeting. And we’ve all been in meetings, especially those where new ideas were proffered, that end in deferment. Don’t accept deferment. Ask for more. Suggest next-step commitments. And make them time-bound, please.

BUT: Great conversation. Let’s commit to the following three actions! Can we get this done by the end of next week? Who will take on which item? Awesome.

Successful impatience is strategic, it is persistent, and it pushes the proverbial envelope while playing successfully with others.

Celebrate your impatience. Impatience with the status quo is a powerful incubator for new ideas and new ways of doing/being. Season your impatience with your ability to be patient. They are flip sides of the same coin.

Hard? Perhaps. Not harnessing your impatience is harder. Go and grab it by the horns – and direct it WELL!

Why Not Have A SEAHORSE Mindset?

Perhaps it’s because I just booked a trip to a Portuguese fishing village. I find myself thinking of the summers of my childhood. And seahorse moments.

Between the ages of 6 and 9, I spent every summer in a little beach town 45 minutes outside of Lisbon/Portugal. Ericeira. While mom and her friend Claire sat in the shade of the cloth cabana we rented on the beach, my brother Thomas and I would eagerly wade into the shallow water of the Atlantic and walk out to the rock formations just beyond the beach. Amid the nooks and crevices of these rocks, a secret world of underwater flora and fauna awaited us. Of all the delights and discoveries in the universe right around those rocks, nothing was more thrilling to me than the moment when I would find a seahorse.

I loved the shape of the seahorses. Their salty smell. Their slippery grace. Their mystical and primal beauty.

Finding a seahorse was a moment of sweet discovery and exquisite joy.

If you can build a muscle, you can build a mindset.”

Jay Shetty, Author of Think Like A Monk

For many of us, such moments of childlike delight seem to become rare as we grow into “responsible adults.” We get bogged down by work demands that don’t seem magical or inspiring. We feel overwhelmed because we have too much on our plate. And much of our frenzied activity is driven by the belief that our life is not enough, as is. We yearn to get promoted to the next job, move into a more spacious home, have a more thrilling life partner.

If everything is mindset, why not cultivate a seahorse mindset? I don’t suggest you run off to Ericeira or your beach of choice to invoke such moments. No, let’s find such moments in the place where we spent most of our time. At work. Every day. Right in front of us.

Because seahorses are everywhere. Here are a few primers that may help us cultivate a seahorse mindset and capture more seahorse moments.

Create some disruption.

I had a house guest visiting me, a few years back. Rachel stayed for two weeks, and she was a marvelously thoughtful guest. And yet, there were moments when I resented that she was there. Rachel was staying in the guest house which I also used as my place to lounge, read, write and do a bit of work. I didn’t do those things in the guest house while Rachel was there. And every time I looked from my kitchen counter out to the pool deck there Rachel was – lounging in a chaise, reading a book, galivanting in the pool.

I have to chuckle as I jot down these words today. The second I released those thoughts I managed to find delight in the fact that Rachel was around and in full view of me. I got to have quick spontaneous conversations with someone I liked, anytime I wanted. I received genuine joy from watching Rachel enjoy the pool. I, the committed lap swimmer, got to experience the pool he loved in an entirely new way. I caught the appreciative smiles Rachel sent my way as I worked at the kitchen counter. Yup, seahorse moments. 

Choose to linger.

Easy to say here. I notice how I fight my very own advice. Even though I am my own boss and have more wiggle room in my schedule than most, I have my to-do lists and my client calls and my Mastermind sessions. I like to dash from item to item, commitment to commitment. Action mode.

Linger means I show up with the intention to NOT rush. Notice. Linger. Notice. Linger. And linger some more. Just for a second or two. In conversation with a colleague. In observing something that’s going on right in front of me. Or in reflecting on a thought that just showed up in my brain. Uhuh. Linger with myself. Delight and discovery are much more likely to occur when I give myself permission to linger. Lingering tends to feel darn good.

Expand your vision.

Our vision tends to be narrowly focused on a task we’re performing or a specific quest we’re on. When we’re not looking for something particular, we’re likely looking out at the world and not seeing anything at all. Or at best, a blur of what’s actually there. Our preoccupation with the thoughts that float through our brain overrides any visual or auditory evidence that is right in front of us. The seahorse is there. We simply don’t see it.

I can’t engage with the seahorse if I don’t notice it. How do we enhance our likelihood of seeing the seahorse? Command-switch from IN to OUT. That means switch from preoccupation with your thoughts to the sensory evidence in front of you. And when you’re in OUT mode, think OUT far and wide. Peripheral vision. Wide lens. Truly scan the big picture. Catch the unexpected. Notice the detail. Be willing to be surprised.

Anticipate the delight.

The beauty of my beach days in Ericeira? I looked forward to wading out to the rocks every single morning in anticipation of the delights I might find. I had a seahorse mindset, based on lots of empirical evidence. I knew magical moments were waiting for me, out there by the rocks. This anticipatory joy alone invoked more delightful discoveries.

Now, there may be lots of things about work you don’t look forward to in the morning. Focusing on those will not get you closer to delight. Instead, do a little inventory of the things at work that DO give you pleasure. Pleasure may come in fleeting moments. Informal ones. The verbal banter with a certain colleague. The receptionist’s greeting. A quick meal shared with your boss. The satisfaction of solving a problem. Choose to wholeheartedly feel the delight in such moments. Anticipate the possibility of more such moments. Anticipation is magical in and of itself, isn’t it!

For many of us, summertime and warm weather give us permission to slow down. Old-school firms still honor this by having “summer hours.” I lived for a year on the island of Tobago, just North of the Equator. The weather in Tobago was steamy hot all day, year-round. Summer hours every day. Life got slower. And even though life on Tobago was way more predictable than my life in New York or Miami, there were also many more seahorse moments. Every day.

Mindset. Permission. Notice. Linger. Summer hours every day.

And linger some more.

Let it be seahorse season, 365 days a year. Mindset is a muscle. You choose.

Successful People Receive Support

Success came faster when I stopped flying solo.

And I’m not talking about my dating life (though this dictum applies there, as well).

I like to joke that I get guidance for absolutely everything. I have had mentors, coaches, healers, therapists. I have belonged to multiple Mastermind communities. I belong to one now. It wasn’t always so.

The iconic American success thinker Napoleon Hill first popularized the notion of not flying solo in his seminal book “Think and Grow Rich,” published in 1937. Hill emphasizes the psychic impact of communing with exceptional like-minded colleagues. No two minds, Hill writes, ever come together without, thereby, creating a third, invisible, intangible force which may be likened to a third mind. (Hill, “Think and Grow Rich,” Fall River Press Edition, 2012, 125)

Hill called the third mind a mastermind. This mind is the collective energy and wisdom that are unleashed through group interaction. This energy lasts well beyond the conversations that occur, and it exponentially accelerates the personal growth of every individual in a Mastermind Group.

It is literally true that you can succeed best and quickest by helping others succeed."

Napoleon Hill

Masterminding works in mysterious ways.

2003 is a year that changed my life. I don’t use the phrase “changed my life” lightly – it did. I was completing a Master’s Degree in Organizational Psychology and International Relations at New York University. I got a contract to write my first book. AND I joined my first Mastermind Group.

Every other Monday evening, five of us met for two hours in an office on West 23rd Street in Manhattan, right off Sixth Avenue. The meetings were facilitated by Kathi Elster, a small-business strategist. This was a Mastermind for successful small business owners who wanted to accelerate their business impact by sharing and receiving wisdom from other small-business owners. We met for a period of nine months. Participants had been personally vetted by Kathi. I was the “new kid on the block” who was just launching his first business.

The lessons I received in this Mastermind were more impactful than anything I was learning in graduate school. My colleagues helped me clarify the business model for Influens, the firm I was about to launch. They showed me how to define a global brand. Offered practical and well-tested guidance on the many micro-decisions I was making and would have to make in the future.

My fellow masterminders acted like my own private advisory board. Influens became a highly successful business.

In Manhattan, we liked to say – yes, a little tongue-in-cheek – that there was something suspect about you if you didn’t see a therapist. In the blue-chip C-Suites where I coach, few executives I know operate without the support of an executive coach.

Awareness. A mirror. A sounding-board. Truth-telling. Possibility generation. More awareness, again.

Those are the gifts of support. The need for support never stops. Support is an essential life-thread of successful people. They know.

I had a business coach for 15 years. I have been in a Mastermind with 4 acclaimed coaching colleagues for the last 5 years. We live in LA, Hollywood/Florida, Cheltenham/UK, Oslo, Budapest. We’re all really good at what we do. And my life is significantly better – and more successful - because I regularly speak with Damian, Lise, Paul and Zoltan.

That’s the power of a Mastermind.

Make 2024 the year of greater support. What might that sort of support look like for you? Who are the people that can best support you? A mentor? A coach? A healer? A Mastermind community?

If the notion of a Mastermind speaks to you, please know there is one I host.

It’s called the FOURTH ACT Mastermind. And it isn’t for everyone.

Participants in my FOURTH ACT Mastermind tend to be 50+ years in age. They are highly accomplished. They have held the big titles. They’re not looking to scale. They’re not motivated by making more money. Or taking another class. They like to go deep.

They look to explore new WHYs. Success is an old WHY. Making more money is an old WHY. Cue the entrance of a next act.

FOURTH ACT Mastermind participants have included celebrated leadership experts, spiritual leaders, composers, government officials, world-renowned poets, global happiness experts, other executive coaches, rule-breaking entrepreneurs. Powerful stuff happens when these folks are in conversation with each other. Stuff that can change lives.

I will launch a new Mastermind cohort in February. Participation in a FOURTH ACT Mastermind is by invitation only. How do I get invited, you wonder? Drop me a note, and we’ll have a conversation.

If you’re curious by the notion of a Mastermind but are still scratching your head and wondering, I’m not sure exactly what it is – well, you’re in luck.

  • I am hosting a FREE 90-minute virtual Mastermind Tasting on Thursday, 1/18, at Noon EST.
  • There is absolutely no selling of any sort in a Mastermind Tasting. We simply create an actual Mastermind experience with people we have never met before.

Participation in a Tasting is limited to 6 individuals. These slots go fast. If you wish to participate, don’t wait. Click here to sign up.

I don’t know what sort of support is best for you in 2024. But I know that the right support elevates every single one of us. So please, make this the year of not flying solo. Allow support. Shine.