I like to hug.
It’s a learned behavior. I’m German, and I have no memory of folks hugging a lot when I was growing up. First time I started hugging my mom and dad as they picked me up at the Cologne airport, both of them froze. Goodness, what had happened to their Americanized son?
I was well into my 30s at the time.
So yes, I hug friends in my personal life. And I hug some of my professional colleagues. Men and women.
I remember a moment from early in the #Metoo movement. John Lasseter, the senior creative executive for both Pixar Animation Studios and Walt Disney Animation, took a six-month leave of absence from his job. Mr. Lasseter was a hugger. Hugging was part of his public persona. I especially want to apologize to anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of an unwanted hug or any other gesture they felt crossed the line in any way, shape, or form, he wrote in an email reviewed by the Wall Street Journal (11/22/17).
Because hugging was part of his public persona, and because Mr. Lasseter was a person of power, employees felt it would be difficult to ask him not to do so, those folks said. I am neither a person of Mr. Lasseter’s social power, nor do I believe that hugging is part of my professional persona. But Disney’s move got me thinking: So how DO I know when it’s OK to give a business hug?
If you’re not a hugger like me, consider this an anthropological document. If you DO like to hug, I invite you to reflect on your inner hug-meter while I contemplate my own.
This reflection is amplified by my new life in Portugal, a country with a warm, polite, and somewhat restrained professional communication style.
My hugging guidelines are highly intuitive; they break down roughly as follows:
I don’t extend a hug in a first meeting. It feels overly familiar. And I am likely signaling to you that I don’t wish to be hugged by you, either.
My first-meeting-exception: When someone greets me with excitement and says I have heard so much about you or I have so looked forward to meeting you AND indicates via wide open arms that they are eager to hug, I hug. Gladly. In this moment we actually have a history, of sorts, even though we have never met in person.
We have a very cordial business relationship. I feel like we’re “real” with each other. My sense of you, however, is that you’re not a “touchy-feely” person. Your body language is very composed, and I will not take the risk of a hug with you. I will happily accept a hug from you if you choose to initiate.
We have had substantial business dealings with each other before this meeting. We have looked forward to finally seeing each other in person. Or we unexpectedly run into each other, and we’re both clearly delighted by this surprise meeting. Your body language unambiguously conveys this delight. I see it in your face, and I see it in your open arms. Yes, I will take a risk and initiate a hug.
I think about female colleagues or clients here. Even when we know each other quite well and I see your arms outstretched as you walk toward me, I will do two things: I open my arms to indicate that I’d like to exchange a welcome hug. And at the same time I ask for permission. May I give you a hug? I pause for a mini-moment. This allows you, my colleague, to initiate the hug.
I tend to like a “bear hug.” A big heartfelt hug. If it’s our first professional hug, I will not impose a bear hug on you. I will follow your lead on how tight or close this hug is meant to be. A “formal hug” will do just fine. For the first hug. For any hug.
I have lived in the Metropolitan Miami area for 2 decades. We may be more inclined to hug there than folks in other parts of the US. In Portugal, I have experienced a lot more air-kissing, both side of the cheeks. While this is not unfamiliar to me, I am just acclimating to the frequency with which I air-kiss thes days.
Mom and Dad got into the hugging part. Very quickly.
I will stay mindful. Of context, of relationship, of unambiguous social signals. And yes, I will continue to hug.
